Age: Elevenish

Did you say elvish? Don't get ahead of yourself. I said elevenish.

Appearance: Rugged.

So, what is it? Where is it? Is it real? It sounds as if it could be the punchline to a Prince Philip joke. It is real. It's the name given to Wellington, New Zealand, since Sir Peter Jackson (or mere Peter Jackson, as he was 1999 when Lord of the Rings first started shooting) began filming his Tolkien trilogy and the special effects company Weta Workshop took up residence there.

Hasn't there been a bit of trouble there recently? A bit. Various unions, including the Screen Actors Guild and the Australian Media Entertainment and Arts Alliance (MEAA) have called on their actors to boycott Jackson's Lord of the Rings prequels (a two-film version of The Hobbit).

Why? Do the actors playing goblins have to eat the ponies for real? No, fool. What do you think Weta's for? And Jackson remade King Kong. He's hardly Method. The unions claim that Hobbit producers have refused to negotiate a deal guaranteeing pay and working conditions for performers in Wellywood.

And what does Jackson say? He says this is just a membership grab by MEAA, which sees its Kiwi cousins as ripe for the picking.

Have there been any complaints by previous Wellywood crews about Jackson? No, there haven't. Danny Boyle had to fight off more stickover the perceived treatment of the child actors and their families in Slumdog Millionaire. On the other hand, Hollywood does have a history of resisting unionisation so that it can get people to do whatever is needed to finish shooting without having to stop for inconveniences such as health and safety assessments and meals.

Hmm. Have any of the stars involved with the film weighed in yet, so that I know which side to take? No. Sir Ian McKellen, Cate Blanchett and Hugo Weaving have all stayed pretty quiet so far. Maybe such pay packets as they take home are a precious ring you really wouldn't want to lose.

Do say: Let Gandalf sort it.

Don't say: Can't they do Narnia instead?