2.24pm: "If you're a blogger and you've been watching with us this week, it's been lovely Channel Four". I don't think that was delivered quite as it was intended. But thanks! We lovely you too!
Conclusions: This film is terrible. High concept, tedious execution, with bizarre relgious allegory layered on top for good measure. At least it was absolutely jam-packed with Seventies cliches - like sexual exploitation and shouting.
It's been an absolute pleasure to share this movie with you. Let's do it again some time!
2.21pm: One last shot of Susan and Nonnie (Hippy's) thighs, and we're free!
Final survivor count (unless the chopper blows up unexpectedly): Borgnine, Susan, Nonny, Mr Rosen, Cagoule Kid, and Mr Red Buttons.
2.20pm: A sad moment as the surviving cast reflect on what they've lost. In Red Button's case, that does not include his virginity.
2.20pm: Borgnine: "The Preacher was right. That beautiful son of a bitch was right".
Typical agnostic. Believe in God when he doesn something nice for you.
2.19pm: We're now in Shaft Alley.
2.17pm: For those of you joining us late, you've missed 75 minutes of theological debate in which Gene Hackman sacrificed himself in order to disprove the notion of a malign god.
In contrast to this position, Red Buttons would point out that he still hasn't got his oats yet.
2.16pm: Geno. He died for all our sins. And that includes you, @heartofnoize
2.14pm: Geno pulls the old 'crucified' pose as he rails at God for making the last hour a little tough (tell me about it mate).
2.12pm: There goes Linda, the (former) prostitute. Borgnine mended her ways, but it wasn't enough to save her from the fires of damnation.
Borgnine seems intent on turning this into some kind of religious allegory. Dear me, man, do get a grip.
2.10pm: Roll call of the living: Red Buttons, Hippy, Geno, Mr Rosen, Cagoule Kid, Susan, Borgnine, prostitute.
I don't like the way Mr Rosen is getting all straggly though.
2.08pm: I think we're down to eight survivors. Mr Rosen is one of them, but Geno's given him a minute off so he can snog his dead wife
2.06pm: A camping holiday with Geno would be VERY annoying.
2.06pm: I have to say you lot below the line are ON FIRE this lunchtime.
2.05pm: Rosen on Rosen mourning
2.04pm: Hippy is putting Red Buttons in a tight spot. Swim and survive. Stay, die, but do the wild thing in the process.
2.03pm: Red Buttons to Hippy: "Just dive in and hang on to my belt"
2.02pm: @Wulf - SNAP!
2.03pm: Borgnine: "You had a lotta guts lady. A lotta guts"
You can say that again.
2.00pm: This is tragic. I've lost the will to blog.
Borgnine: "Oh, Jesus"
1.57pm: Well done Mrs Rosen! "In the water, I'm a very skinny lady!" Well done!
That's an unusual expression of satisfaction on your face Mrs Rosen. Are you ok Mrs Rosen? You're not having a heart attack seconds after leaving the water are you. Mrs Rosen? Oh, you are. Maybe you should have thought about that possibility before you went all gobby about your Swimming Association.
1.55pm: In she goes! And I have to say it was a lovely dive. Shoulda kept her legs together, but otherwise perfect.
Speaking of legs together. Where's Red Buttons?
1.54pm: And to prove it she still wears her Women's Swimming Association medal around her neck. ALL THE TIME.
1.53pm: Mrs Rosen is a swimmer! She's certainly buoyant.
1.49pm: Borgnine is manhandling Susan and looking more like Popeye by the minute. I still think he's got a vital role to play in this film. Call it a gut feeling. Or a hunch. A hunched gut.
1.47pm: Adverts. I have to say this past half hour has been been the cinematic equivalent of potholing with the Neighbourhood Watch.
1.45pm: Oh no. Geno's disappeared. He must be dead. He must be.
Hang on...
He's back!
And the engine room strategy is still viable!
1.43pm: Red Buttons has the Hippy alone in an upside down barbers! It's now or never! Lay the love groove on!
"In time, you'll find other things, other people to care for"
BOOOOOOM!
1.42pm: All the underage adolescent girls that is.
Meanwhile a touching profession of love between the Rosens.
I think that's what they call 'balance'.
1.40pm: Hotpants Susan 'feels safer' with Geno. I bet they all say that.
1.38pm: A hint of compromise from Geno re: the hotbutton stern v engine room debate.
Borgnine gives him 15 minutes to make a safety assessment. Mr Rosen, meanwhile, is a little peckish.
1.36pm: ACRES RIP. OH MERCILESS SHAFT.
1.35pm: @heartofnoize - the scene where they meet the other gang i think is parodied in shaun of the dead
Interesting. I can see the similarity but wonder whether Poseidon was really on the list of influences for the Romero pastiching Shaun?
1.33pm: There are further strategic debates being had as the best way to escape. Once again Geno is proposing the precise opposite to everyone else. Whenever that moment of religious revelation occurred to the man, I wish I had been there to see it.
1.29pm: Borgnine's renowned physical attributes are being tested to the limit by a torrent of water. Red Buttons is calling the Hippy 'honey' now. He's smoother than SunPat this guy.
1.27pm: Cagoule Kid is worrying about insulting Mrs Rosen re: her weight.
Meanwhile we are following Mrs Borgnine up the shaft from below. Yes, she is wearing a short skirt. And silver platform heels.
1.24pm: @heartofnoize - I'd like to see the reviews this cruise got on tripadvisor
It appears also that there is some debate below the line as to quite who Red Buttons is going to have his way with before the end of this disaster. My money remains on the hippy, though I might throw a converted Borgnine in the mix too.
1.22pm: This live from Twitter - ElChimpador @guardianfilm Good call. It's a welcome distraction from this hellish #hangover Although all of a sudden, I want soup...
I like the fact that hangover gets its own hashtag. It's like virtual alcholics anonymous
As far as I can tell the cast have spent the last five minutes doing nothing but crawling.
1.21pm: Wulf's verdict on Acres - Oh Acres is SO for it. He'd be wearing a red jumper on board The Enterprise.
truth
Cagoule Kid would be wearing mustard
1.19pm: I think Geno and Borgnine might be able to teach each other valuable life lessons, given the chance
1.19pm: @misssfit - By Dawkins, Geno could make me believe!
Amen, sister
1.18pm: Turns out Cagoule Kid (I have changed his surname for alliterative purposes) knows THE ENTIRE LAYOUT of the Poseidon
1.16pm: I was momentarily distracted by news of the shadow cabinet.
I think there's been some tunnelling to the bottom of the boat going on. I notice ALL the women are now wearing thigh-lenght outfits.
I ask you this: is Acres an asset or a liability?
1.12pm: I can update my ecofashion blog anywhere!
Still adverts
1.11pm: Adverts
@WulfSternhammer - Am lovin the xmas tree. Is it my faulty recollection or did every tree look like that in the 1970s? Including the dead people as baubles.
I can't speak for the 70's but that's defo the hot look in Dalston right now. Wulf, how's Johnny Alpha?
1.09pm: I think Geno's god is a bit Old Testament. The red lightning blows the bloody windows out and all of a sudden the ballroom is filled with water. Those who chose to spurn the Christmas Tree of Salvation are now up to their necks in water. Geno pulls a brief grimace and closes the door on them.
1.08pm: Bursar Boy doesn't look so smart now does he?
1.07pm: "We are staying with the bursar!"
Bursar! Bursar!
No, renegade priest!
Cripes, from out of nowhere, red lightning!
1.07pm: @Hankvantenk - I can't believe that young girl just left Lemmy's corpse alone like that.
Can't you see these are extraordinary circumstances?
Geno decides it's an ideal time to resume our theological debate. It appears his vision of christianity is a bit too robust for many. But he's cunningly turning this shipwreck into a handy metaphor for personal redemption! Well done Geno.
@shandy116 posts - Stop shouting! I CAN'T!!!!!
Shandy, you've forgotten they can also do 'poignant whisper'
Thanks to the death of the hippie, Red Buttons might get some action tonight. Every cloud....
1.00pm: Mrs Rosen: "A fat woman like me can't climb"
Cue a quiet philosophical word from Geno and she's shinning up the Xmas tree.
Meanwhile a hippy is dead. Quite frankly, that's one fewer to worry about
12.59pm: Susan's down to her hotpants and Mrs Borgnine only has her panties on. Ah, the 70s.
12.58pm: "It's a cinch!" This kid obviously has eyes on coining a catchphrase. Survivors of the 70s: did it ever make it to a t-shirt?
12.56pm: A triumph for the spirit of human endeavour as Geno and Borgnine put aside their differences to lift up a christmas tree. They've saved Roddy McDowell. And sent Cagoule Kid up to fetch him. I hope you fall.
12.54pm: Oh, the propeller shaft. You think you're so smart.
I think Roddy McDowall's accent is (supposed to be) Irish. Yes.
12.52pm: Cagoule Kid is encouraging his sister to jump from the roof "It's a cinch!" You, my son, need a good birching
12.51pm: "This ship is equipped with waterproof apartments".
Damn, there's Cagoule Kid.
12.51pm: I am currently uncertain as to the whereabouts of Cagoule Boy. This can only be a good thing.
12.49pm: The ship is now officially upside down. Mr and Mrs Rosen are alive! Admitedly she's fairly well insulated. Geno's cuddling up with Mrs Borgnine. I think I may have missed an element of backstory here.
12.47pm: Now the tipping begins. This is the most famous use of tipping technology in cinema. All Titanic's tipping was done by computer.
12.46pm: The Klaxon is sounding and panic is abroad, but strangely people still have their party hats on.
12.45pm: Lo an behold, an enormous wall of water is heading for the Poseidon. I predicted this would happen, you know
12.44pm: Red Buttons is looking happy. This can't last
12.43pm: Happy New Year! It's commemorated with a big honking of the ship's horn and a lot of debauched smooching on the part of Mrs Rosen. Meanwhile Leslie's in the control room "The problem seems to be piling up on the sea bed. By the way, happy new year."
12.39pm: While the adverts are on, a question: Throughout this week the C4 announcers have kindly been mentioning our liveblog at the end of the film. Should we try to get them to read a message? If so, what?
12.38pm: There are some aftershocks in Crete. Over the course of the commercial break I am going to try to work this into a joke about boozing holiday Brits.
12.36pm: Now Geno's drinking to love, much to Borgnine's bemusement. Cagoule kid is intrigued by pursers. Meanwhile Leslie is warning us all about the angry nature of Poseidon the sea god. I think this detail may become relevant later
12.34pm: Mrs Rosen, the granny, doesn't know what alfalfa is, but she does know love
Below the line @heartofnoize imagines the scene in the office of Geno's agent -
Agent : So Gene got a call from the makers of a new film called the Poseiden Adventure, the part is a priest
Gene: I don't wanna play a Priest
Agent: Hang on Gene...he's not just any priest...he's a Renegade priest
Gene: well why didn't you say! I'll take it
12.34pm: That's alfalfa, it's essential for neural functioning and growth."
12.31pm: It appears Ernest Borgnine's wife used to be a prostitute. Which certainly makes the suppository scene a little easier to understand.
And Borgnine was a cop! Wowsers, there's some dramatic tension in THIS relationship.
Nice shirt and braces too.
12.30pm: Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think Geno has just offered a solution to the travails of late stage capitalism. Tell me, screaming cagoule boy, ain't that better than seeing the propellor shaft?
12.28pm: "But the third engineer promised to show me the propellor shaft!"
12.27pm: Cut to some hippies. They're on their way to a 'jazz festival' and crooning some dirge at each other with mooning eyes the size of dinner plates. Truly the whole of early 70s society is here!
12.25pm: Hmmm, I don't trust this ruthless capitalist boss. He has a legal right to remove Leslie Nielsen.
12.24pm: Oh, hang on, here's Geno having a heated theological debate with a priest. Sturm und drang! This is more like it.
12.21pm: Ernest Borgnine does not know how to use suppositories. He is an unreconstructed man. There's some grandparents rowing about trains. Currently this is playing like a farce. Surely no one can die in a farce?
12.19pm: I'm with @Missfit. It is decidedly difficult to take Leslie Nielsen seriously in a captain's hat. Especially when he's joshing with a fat kid in a cagoule and insisting: "we will take on some more ballast!"
12.18pm: "There's nothing wrong with the stabilisers and there's nothing I can do with them!" You know you're in for a thrill ride when they opening exchanges involve a foul-mouthed, sweating engineer.
12.16pm: It is, of course, a sterling cast, Leslie Nielsen's in it. And Red Buttons. Red Buttons?
12.14 - Hallo there everybody and welcome to the latest lunchtime liveblog. We're going to be watching Geno and the gang in The Poseidon Adventure. That said, I turn the telly on and there's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's patrician face beaming at me. Is he going to drown too?
12.06pm: Welcome to our final liveblog of the week! And our second damp disaster flick – this time chosen over Diamond Girl, adapted from the Mills and Boon novel of the same name.
You chose You've still got time to pop some seasickness tablets, tune the TV to Channel 4 and join us at 12:15pm when we'll be watching and commenting on The Poseidon Adventure.
Please post your thoughts in the comments below, or tweet them to @guardianfilm.
