Sure, Die Hard is an OK film. But it isn’t a great film, and I’ll tell you why: Bruce Willis. He just plays a regular guy in it, and that’s no fun. All the way through the film you’re forced to relate to him, and how all the odds are stacked against him, and wonder how you’d fare in such an extraordinary situation. It’s so exhausting.
In short, thank goodness for Skyscraper. From everything we’ve seen about the film so far, Skyscraper is as shameless a Die Hard rip-off as anything you’re ever going to see. But there’s one key difference – The Rock is in it. Immediately, everything becomes so much better. Because he’s The Rock.
Nobody on Earth can relate to The Rock on any level at all, because The Rock is The Rock and nobody else is The Rock. And this means we can relax. Yes, a skyscraper is in trouble. But The Rock’s on the case, so everything will be OK. He’ll hug his family, punch everyone a hundred times, do a cool jump and save the day. There will be no meaningful peril whatsoever, because The Rock is a superhuman. It’s all going to be fine. Nothing to see here. Have a nap. We’ll wake you when the credits roll.
Still, God bless Skyscraper for at least trying to make The Rock look vulnerable. Knowing full well that the regular Rock would simply grab the skyscraper by the base and shake the terrorists out, this film has gone to the trouble of removing one of his legs. The Rock plays a retired FBI operative who becomes an amputee when a wartime rescue mission goes horribly wrong, which means he spends the entirety of Skyscraper wearing a prosthetic. That’s jeopardy, right? If you tie a rope to your feet and jump out of a skyscraper, there’s a chance that your leg will detach and send you plummeting to you doom, right?
Wrong, dummy, because this is The Rock we’re talking about. This isn’t just any prosthetic leg. Unless some severe post-production choices are made before Skyscraper comes out, it’s a prosthetic leg that makes the sound of a reloading shotgun whenever The Rock clips it on. In The Rock’s hands, the prosthetic leg is a weapon. More than that, even. It’s Captain America’s shield. He jams it against heavy doors to stop them closing. He kisses it with gratitude whenever it helps him out. If Act Three doesn’t at least briefly feature him twirling it around like a majorette’s baton while punching a baddie’s jaw off, I will damn well eat my hat.
These are trying times for The Rock. His two most recent films Baywatch and Rampage were some of the most disappointing in his entire filmography, and if Skyscraper isn’t a hit his career is going to take a knock. And that would be a crying shame because I never want The Rock to stop being The Rock. Although, if it is a hit, Skyscraper might just forge a brand new direction for The Rock’s career. You take a classic film (in Skyscraper’s case, it’s Die Hard), you remake it as closely as possible and then you bluntly name it after a thing that’s in it.
So we have Skyscraper. Perhaps next The Rock can crib from Speed in a film called Bus. Or Point Break in a film called Surfboard. Or Mad Max in a film called Goofy Desert Car. Or Predator in a film called Vagina-Faced Death Alien. Or Gladiator in a film called Helmet. All these films can be made. All these films should be made. Nobody will encounter a single significant moment of danger in any of them, but that’s OK because we can trust The Rock. Like Skyscraper, they will be the loudest films you will ever sleep through.
