You’re busy people. Whenever two films with similar plots come out at the same time, you only have time to watch one of them. You watched Volcano, for example, and not Dante’s Peak. You watched Turner and Hooch and not K-9. You watched Olympus Has Fallen and not White House Down, which was stupid because White House Down was a much better film.
And now the time has come for you to choose a Hatton Garden film. The Hatton Garden Job was released last year, retelling the story of the notorious 2015 burglary that briefly fascinated the nation. And in September, The King of Thieves will be released, telling exactly the same tale. Which one should you watch? A new King of Thieves trailer has just been released, so this is the perfect time to put them head to head over five rounds.
Best cast
The Hatton Garden Job: Larry Lamb, Stephen Moyer, Phil Daniels, Clive Russell. A fine lineup, but one that lacks that last big name to really push it over the top.
The King of Thieves: Michael Caine, Michael Gambon, Ray Winstone, Jim Broadbent, Tom Courtenay, Paul Whitehouse. This is a murderer’s row of a cast, made all the better by the underlying feeling that most of them probably knocked around London together in the swinging 60s, driving fast cars and smoking cigarettes and being horrible to women. The King of Thieves wins.
Sexiest younger criminal
The Hatton Garden Job: Matthew Goode, last seen getting his bum out an unnecessary amount of times in The Crown on Netflix.
The King of Thieves: Charlie Cox gets the role here, last seen dressing like an idiot and kicking baddies in Daredevil on Netflix. He does a good job here, but his role seems to largely involve him moping in Margate. Matthew Goode wins, purely because he’s had his bum out more.
Best line in the trailer
The Hatton Garden Job: “There’s old school, and then there’s just old.” A fine line; nicely delivered but quickly forgotten.
The King of Thieves: “You tell a single soul about this and I’ll cut your balls off.” A perfectly adequate line that’s blasted into the stratosphere by dint of the fact that Michael Caine delivers it in all his blunt, finger-jabbing glory. This is “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” glossed and shined and rebooted for a new generation. Listen closely enough and you can hear Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon basing the next eight series of The Trip around this moment alone. The King of Thieves wins.
Most iconic aerial shot of London
The Hatton Garden Job: a grotty shot of tatty east London, with the glittering promise of riches languishing on the horizon. Also, full points for getting the O2 arena – once the setting for another unlikely heist – into the frame.
The King of Thieves: I mean, I think this is London. It’s hard to say, given that it isn’t the exact same shot that every single film or television programme uses whenever it depicts the capital from above. Oh wait, yes it is. Hatton Garden Job wins.
Best woman to menacingly float about in the background
The Hatton Garden Job: Joely Richardson stars as Erzebet Zslondos, billed as the shadowy mastermind behind the whole heist. She doesn’t just menacingly float in this trailer; sometimes it looks like she’s just wandered into shot in search of the toilet. A golden performance.
The King of Thieves: There is a chance that Francesca Annis will play the same role in this film, but she’s nowhere to be seen in the trailer. So, instead, here’s the back of a woman’s head. The Hatton Garden Job wins.
Results
By my calculation, The Hatton Garden Job wins 3-2. However, The King of Thieves looks like a much better film, so my calculation is stupid. Sorry for wasting your time.
