For five years, Downton Abbey was a television institution. The series, which followed the ups and downs of the Crawley family through the first quarter of the 20th century, was a commercial juggernaut. It won Emmys, Baftas and Golden Globes by the bucketload. It was namechecked in Iron Man 3, for crying out loud. You can’t buy accolades like that.

Downton Abbey died in 2015, after an epic Christmas Day finale that saw barely anything of note happen. And that, we thought, was that. Except this week, a trailer arrived. A trailer for a film. A trailer for the long-speculated Downton Abbey film, set for release in September. Finally, after years in the dark, we now know what will happen in this most anticipated of pictures. Let’s parse the trailer for juicy plot details.

Ah, the abbey. The beautiful abbey, witness to all manner of extraordinary events. The love stories. The unexpected deaths. Any of the long, drawn-out dinner scenes. Who knows what gorgeously drawn events will play out during this new film? Regardless, the establishing shot is appreciated. Welcome back beautiful. We’ve missed you.

And the clocks. Oh, the clocks, the beautiful clocks; at once representing the period in which Downton Abbey is set, the passing of time since the final episode and the wait still ahead of us before any of us can see the new film. This clock is a balm. “Soon,” it says. “Soon”.

And the bells. The beautiful bells, symbolising the societal gap between those who live above and those who serve beneath them. This is what Downton Abbey is about, after all; the repressed, unspoken tension between the ruling and serving classes. Is this what the Downton Abbey film will also be about. We’ll be sure to find out any minute now.

And the blurry faces. Oh, the blurry faces, instantly recognisable to anyone who watched Downton Abbey from a distance without putting their glasses on. This is all very well and good and everything, but could we maybe get some clues about what the film is about now?

Well, now, that’s a bit rich. With the best will in the world, a Downton Abbey movie isn’t a “motion picture event”. It’s a slightly longer than usual episode of a television series. This is like calling Mutiny on the Buses a motion picture event, or Sex and the City 2. Besides, from all I’ve been able to tell so far, this film is just shots of bells and clocks. Buck up, Downton Abbey movie.

OK, yes, fine, that’s what the outside of the abbey looks like. This isn’t a surprise, guys. The literal logo for the entire show is a picture of the Abbey. What happens in the film? Do people fall in love? Does anyone die? Or is it all just going to establishing shots of stuff? Because if it is, I’ll keep my money in my pocket thank you very much.

Fine, good, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear. The Downton Abbey movie will consist solely of shots of the outside of the abbey. Great, well done everyone.

Jesus Christ, we get it. Someone bought Julian Fellowes a drone for his birthday, so now we all have to put up with two hours of him flying it around a castle. Well whoopy doo. Good for you, Julian Fellowes. I hope it makes you happy, because it’s boring the absolute arse off me. You’ve got one last chance. One last chance to prove that this film is actually worth watching, or else I’m off.

Oh screw you, Fellowes. Incidentally, it’s worth pointing out that more happens in this trailer than in the last 20 episodes of Downton Abbey combined.