Relatable holiday package
Last year, the Oscars’ gift bag featured a $40,000, 12-day trip to Tanzania. This year? An all-inclusive £350 package holiday to Lanzarote for the whole family. In order to avoid any backlash from the general cinema-ticket-buying public who might resent this degree of opulence popping up on their Instagram feed during a period of global instability, A-listers have to show the normals they’re just like them. This gift also gives actors a chance to audition for that Bad Moms 3 part by wrestling with a pram on a packed easyJet flight, dealing with screaming toddler meltdowns at the breakfast buffet and hashtagging #momlife as their husband eyes up the holiday rep from a sunbed by the pool they had to get up at 5am to reserve.
M&S triple pack of sandwiches
Please, won’t someone feed the celebrities? From Ellen DeGeneres’s 2014 pizza delivery stunt to Jimmy Kimmel’s 2018 snack boxes to that famous photo of Hilary Swank eating a burger in a ballgown after winning the Oscar for Million Dollar Baby in 2005, they’re all starving. Although, inevitably, one celeb will get caught shoving a BLT in their mouth during the in memoriam segment of the show and get shamed online.
Grow your own organic viral moment kit
Can you remember who won best supporting actor in 2016? No, but you can definitely remember Chrissy Teigen’s cry face, or Busy Philipps’s shocked-yet-gleeful expression when the wrong best picture winner was announced. Actors can use this handy kit to decide (with their publicist’s approval, of course) if they’re going viral for cringing at an off-pitch song, shaking their head at a terrible joke or refusing to clap a rival, then sit back and watch their name trend on Twitter.
A 28-day, $50,000 spa trip
Definitely a very exclusive spa, where actors suffering from exhaustion go and phones are banned. Not rehab, nope, just somewhere Hollywood’s elite visit for a few massages when they’re overtired from late nights, working hard on movie sets. Why, yes, it IS next door to Malibu’s famous Promises facility, now you ask. But this actor is just making smart choices to stay healthy. Nothing to do with that video on TMZ where they lunge at photographers and scream, “Kanye West for prez 2020!!!” That was … for a part.
Hypocrisy whistle and mace spray*
Taking it one level up from last year’s “stylish” pepper spray (no, we’re not joking, pepper spray was actually in the Oscars 2018 bag), this kit can be used on any high-powered actor or male exec who claims the #MeToo movement has cleaned up Hollywood, solved all the problems faced by women in the industry – and was like, nothing to do with him or anything. Hear a man saying: “I don’t know why she took a meeting in a hotel room,” or: “Well, she got the part, what is she complaining about?” Blow that whistle. See a male agent telling an uncomfortable young actress he’s a feminist but “you have to ask, why didn’t she didn’t go public at the time?” Mace that idiot.
*Gift withdrawn from the bag at the last second after fears that every speech given by a man with a murky past who was then handed an Oscar would be drowned out by high-pitched whistle screams and a cloud of chemicals.
