Underwater is a forthcoming film where a lot of scared military-industrial workers led by a jaded short-haired female rush around a dingy-looking base, chased by a terrifying creature of unknown origin. But don’t for a moment think that it’s like Alien, because it is completely different in almost every way. Look, here’s the trailer. Let me show you.

Think about it for a moment. Alien was about an alien and they live in outer space. This is a film called Underwater that takes place at the bottom of the sea. Do aliens live underwater? Of course they don’t, you idiot. They’d drown.

And ask yourself this. Did Alien make the mistake of hiring TJ Miller – a figure who has become a pariah in Hollywood for the allegations made against him as part of the #MeToo movement – as the character who provides almost every line of exposition in the entire film, which means that its trailer was forced to include large swathes of his performance to help it make sense? It did not, because Alien was released two years before TJ Miller was born.

Did we ever see Sigourney Weaver brush her teeth in Alien? I can’t remember. But, if she did, was her toothbrush yellow? Actually, I can’t remember that either. But did she wear glasses while brushing her teeth with a yellow toothbrush in Alien? I mean, probably not, right? That would be too much of a coincidence.

The trailer includes a shot where Kristen Stewart is placed in imminent danger when some of the water that she is under happens to drip on to her hand. Is there a scene in Alien where some aliens drip on to Weaver’s hand? I don’t think so.

Quite a lot of Alien showed the characters wearing heavy spacesuits that exacerbated their already pronounced sense of claustrophobia. But Underwater is different, because here the characters wear heavy diving suits that heighten their already noticeable feeling of claustrophobia. They’re different films. I can’t make this any clearer.

This is the closest we come to seeing what the monster in Underwater looks like. You will note, it has webbed fingers and a fishy face. Can you imagine how silly Alien would be if the xenomorph waddled around the Nostromo with a big dumb fish face strapped to the front of its head? It would be a laughing stock. Meanwhile, Underwater seems to be doing everything in its power to look as stupid as possible, so there’s another difference.

Did the Alien trailer spell out the word Alien letter by letter in such an interminable way that you ended up losing the will to live? Actually, yes it did. However, the word Underwater has twice as many letters so it’s twice as boring and you end up losing the will to live twice as much. They are as different as can be.

The Underwater trailer ends with TJ Miller shouting: “It’s pulling me underwater!” Did the Alien trailer end with anyone shouting: “It’s pulling me alien?” Of course not. That doesn’t even make sense. These are completely different films and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me otherwise.