We all know that face masks are a good thing, but why? Is it because they are a useful tool in slowing the spread of Covid-19? Well, yes. But more than that, it’s because we now have the opportunity to cover our nose and mouth with sweet, sweet, officially licensed merchandise. Until now, whenever we wanted to demonstrate our love of the arts, we have had to rely on clothing or – worse – actual verbal interaction. Now, when you wander into Tesco Express wearing a mask, everyone from the checkout assistant to the guys operating the CCTV will understand that you’re the world’s biggest Twilight fan. Here are some of the best and worst on offer …
Disney – Good
Never let it be said that Disney is not quick off the mark when there’s a buck to be made. At time of writing, the UK Disney store had no less than 24 different face mask designs for sale, ranging from “cleverly designed” (Mickey Mouse’s mouth, the Incredible Hulk’s mouth) to “this honestly looks like we just chopped up a load of pyjamas in a panic”. Nevertheless, what a golden opportunity to show the world that you have an affinity for an oppressive cultural monopoly.
Justin Bieber – Bad
Meanwhile, here is arguably the world’s least imaginative face covering. Not only does it exist to promote a single – Stuck With U by Bieber and Ariana Grande – that came out two-and-a-half months ago and barely scraped into the Top 5, but it is also hopelessly designed. This looks less like a piece of official merchandise and more a primary school PE plimsoll that your mum has written your name on with a knitting needle dipped in bleach.
Rammstein – Good
If you’re going to wear a band mask, you should at least make sure that some of the band’s lyrics are visible, to better communicate your taste in music to the strangers you pass. A classic example is this Rammstein mask, which comes daubed with the legend “WER WARTET MIT BESONNENHEIT – DER WIRD BELOHNT ZUR RECHTEN ZEIT” from their 2009 song Rammlied. What does it mean? “The one who waits with prudence will be rewarded at the right time.” If ever there was a motto for post-lockdown life, it should be one that comes screamed by a load of fiftysomething German metallers.
Suspiria – Bad
And then there’s this. If you are aware of Dario Argento, you will be familiar with the classic 1977 “The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92” poster, featuring a closeup of a screaming face. But if you aren’t, you will just see someone strolling around town with their face contorted into a howl of psychic agony. It’s 2020 for crying out loud. That’s what our faces already look like.
Twin Peaks – Good
Perhaps we should look outside of official merchandise. Society6 has always been full of artistic interpretations of cult film and TV, but now it has inevitably made the leap to face masks. This Twin Peaks one does the job perfectly. If you love Twin Peaks, you’ll see the iconic Red Room chevron design and realise that you’re in the company of a fellow David Lynch aficionado. If you don’t, you’ll just see a neat design. This is the mask that all other masks should aspire to.
Nicolas Cage – Bad but also good
The face mask market is so new that copyright seems to have gone out of the window. Type the name of any film, song, TV show or actor into a site such as Etsy or Redbubble and you’ll be swamped by all manner of unofficial face coverings. If you want one that says “We were on a break” in the Friends font, you’re in luck. If you want one that makes you look like Kevin McCallister from Home Alone trapped in a perpetual shriek, you’re in luck. And if you want one of Nicolas Cage you’re doubly in luck: there’s one covered in dozens of photos of his face, all bulging eyes and bared teeth, and another with his mug stretched across skin-shaded fabric. Both are such nightmarish flesh collages that everyone you encounter is guaranteed to flee from you in terror, but that’s what social distancing is all about.
