It’s long been a complaint that all the big awards go to tragic dramas, while comedy, especially farce, is much harder to pull off. Nothing illustrates that truism as well as Spy Intervention. Presumably it’s meant to be a larky spoof of spy movies and marital romance – except without any of the cool gadgets, sense of danger, charm or sexual chemistry you’d expect.

Given it was clearly made on a modest budget and is the work of a first-time director (Drew Mylrea), I would normally cut it a bit of slack. But the script, credited to Mark Famiglietti and Lane Garrison, is so sexist, lazy and lacking in wit, it’s hard to find any forgiveness for the end result.

Blond himbo Drew Van Acker stars as Corey Gage, international spy of mystery, a job indicated by the fact he always wears a tuxedo. After literally bumping into cosmetics-shop assistant Pam Grayson (Poppy Delevingne, sister of the more famous Cara and like Van Aker a sometime model), Corey is smitten and soon he’s dinking out of a double date in Kathmandu with his colleague Smuts (Blake Anderson) to go on homey dates with Pam. They marry, buy a suburban house and start shopping for striplighting fixtures, and Corey takes a job selling cardboard boxes. But Smuts thinks his old friend needs to get back in the game, so he cajoles him into taking part in a stakeout, leading up to a finale that involves the entire cast being crammed into the house for a dinner party.

The most authentic writing happens in a DIY-store scene where Pam and Corey argue over whether to buy stainless-steel or brushed-nickel vanity fixtures, while Brittany Furlan is fun as Pam’s makeup-caked colleague Brianna. But those bright spots are like bioluminescent flashes of light in the fathoms-deep murk of this long slog.

• Spy Intervention is released on digital platforms on 27 July.