After a deeply weird year in which Andrex became more valuable per ounce than saffron and Jedward emerged as well-respected voices of scientific rigour, shops, gyms and beer gardens are now officially OPEN. You can even go and get a proper haircut, which has already had a marked effect on the number of people wandering the streets looking like John Cooper Clarke running a Tough Mudder. Without wanting to jinx it, things are – say it quietly – looking up.

Unless, that is, you’re a film fan. Despite restrictions slowly loosening, cinemas remain steadfastly closed, at least until the middle of May. But there is one ray of sunshine: if you’re jonesing to see a new release on a big screen as our lord and saviour Tommy Wiseau intended, drive-in movie theatres are springing up all over the country to scratch that itch. The only problem is, unless you’ve been in cryogenic hibernation since that stimulating midnight screening of The Blob in 1958, there’s a fair chance you might not have ever experienced a drive-in. Well, don’t worry. Like the popcorn crumbs that will soon cascade like salty scree down your hoodie, we’ve got you covered …

Do: Make sure you have a working FM radio

Proof, if it were needed, of how adorably old school the 2021 drive-in experience is. The film’s soundtrack is broadcast to your car’s speakers via FM radio, which – for the benefit of any digital natives out there – is a wavelength-based method of signal transference primarily used for the dissemination of Steve Wright in the Afternoon. If you drive something that’s basically got an iPad where the radio should be, you can bring a battery-powered radio from home, or you can usually buy or rent one from the cinema itself. However you do it, don’t rock up expecting your Apple Galaxy OnePlus Note Pro 15 or whatever to be of any use. Leave it at home, even. Go on. Dare you.

Don’t: Get out of the car

You don’t need to wear masks in your car while watching a film, and can open the window if it’s a nice day and/or someone’s guffed. But Wayne’s Worlding it on your car bonnet is sadly verboten, though you can nip out to grab some food or visit the toilet. So, as a general rule of thumb, as long as you’re putting something into or getting something out of your body, you’re grand.

Do: Attack the snack

One downside of the traditional cinema experience is trying to make out dialogue while surrounded by 100 open-mouthed gluttons, who dine exclusively on rustly sweets pawed from even rustlier bags. Since everyone’s in their cars at the drive-in, all bets are off. Want to spend 90 minutes slurping your way through a family bucket of fried cholesterol, or hacking your straw through the ice at the bottom of your cup in an effort to discover that elusive final millilitre of Sprite? You’re in a safe space. No one will judge.

Don’t: Honk your horn

The car horn, as we all know, is the greatest communication device known to humanity, capable of broadcasting incandescent rage, roaring approval and upwards of two emotions in between. But no matter how much you approve or disapprove of the film, no one needs to hear it. So keep your mitts off that parper. If you need help remembering this, here’s a handy mnemonic: “Should I toot? No, you brute.”

Do: Bring your snuffly, wuffly fwend

Most drive-in events do allow dogs. So feel free to bring along an animal that’s likely to bark, howl or go crackers in the backseat throughout the film. You and everyone else will really love it.

Don’t: Leave the engine running

This might sound obvious, but idiots are everywhere, and they lurk among us. To combat pollution, many modern drive-ins now operate a strict idling policy, whereby if anyone is caught leaving their car ticking over for more than four minutes, someone wearing a Greta Thunberg T-shirt comes over and screams in their face. This may be a lie. But the stuff about there being rules about leaving the car running is true.

Do: Buy a convertible ASAP

Everyone will hate you. You’ll feel it. You’ll catch them side-eyeing you, whispering things like: “What a preening gaggle of top-down tossers.” But all these hurtful and accurate comments are, really, is poisonous envy, because you’re watching the film without a roof on, and have therefore beaten them at a game they didn’t even know they were playing. Enjoy the smugness. Drink it in. Until it rains, or someone chucks half a hot dog at you. Both of which are sadly inevitable.

Don’t: Buy a van, bus or articulated lorry

Nice try. They’re not allowed in. But you already knew that, didn’t you, you little scamp.

• This article was amended on 24 April 2021 to remove some inappropriate language.