When Tom Cruise commits to something, he commits. When a Mission: Impossible stunt called for him to climb up the outside of the world’s tallest building, he actually climbed up the outside of the world’s tallest building. When Collateral required him to become an invisible assassin, he temporarily became a Fed-Ex driver to teach himself anonymity. When he fell in love with Katie Holmes, he did it with such couch-leaping intensity that it derailed his career for half a decade.

So when Tom Cruise went to Birmingham to have a curry, he really went to Birmingham to have a curry. When Tom Cruise went to Birmingham to have a curry, he did it with the same vigour that he uses to ride motorbikes or jump out of planes or scream at crew-members for not following Covid compliance protocols. Which is to say that when Tom Cruise went to Birmingham to have a curry, Tom Cruise went to Birmingham and had two curries, one after the other.

Yesterday morning, Indian restaurant Asha’s tweeted: “It was an absolute pleasure to welcome Tom Cruise to Asha’s Birmingham yesterday evening”, adding that “Tom ordered our famous Chicken Tikka Masala and enjoyed it so much that as soon as he had finished, he ordered it all over again – the greatest compliment”.

What a man. Hasn’t everyone, at one point or another, enjoyed a meal so much that they wished they could eat it all over again? The difference between us and Tom Cruise is that we are ultimately weaklings. When we finish eating a curry, we do not immediately order a second curry, for several reasons. Perhaps we’re full. Perhaps we don’t want to be up all night with a tummy ache. Perhaps we fear the bemusement of the waiter when, as they casually ask us if we want anything else towards the end of the meal, we bark: “One more lot of everything I’ve just eaten, as quickly as possible, please.”

This is because we are constrained by society’s expectations of us. But Tom Cruise lives outside these expectations. He is truly a free spirit, unburdened by the conventions that stifle every other human on Earth. He is a wisp of stardust blowing across a barren nebula. He soars while we stumble. He, and this really cannot be overstated, eats two curries in a row sometimes.

Sure, you could question his motives if you like. After all, Tom Cruise hasn’t managed to remain at the forefront of the movie business for so long without keeping abreast of current trends. When public taste shifted towards independent cinema in the 1990s, he hitched his wagon to Paul Thomas Anderson. When people grew sick of his intense sincerity, he pivoted to comedy. And now that the big Hollywood trend is for stars to get photographed having curries in British restaurants, well, obviously he’ll do that too.

Just three weeks ago, Asma Khan – founder of London restaurant Darjeeling Express – went viral by tweeting a picture of Paul Rudd and Dan Levy enjoying her dishes. Rudd had eaten there previously, and enjoyed it so much that he wanted to bring his famous friends along. Which is cute, but you’ll notice that Rudd and Levy only ordered one curry each. Tom Cruise, on the other hand, ordered two curries. He ordered one curry, and then he ordered another curry straight after that.

The message seems to be clear. Paul Rudd might be an Avenger, but he’s also a journeyman. A one-curry fly-by-night. Not like Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is a heavyweight. Tom Cruise ate two curries. Rudd now has a choice; either he goes back to Darjeeling Express and eats three curries in a row, or he has to snip off his testicles and present them to Tom Cruise in a jewelled box. Sorry Paul, but I don’t make the rules. Tom Cruise makes the rules.

He’ll be back to Asha’s soon. Of course he will, because Tom Cruise never does anything by half. This is a man who, when he eats a cake he likes, sends it to everybody he knows, every single Christmas. Even people he doesn’t know. Even journalists who have now spent close to a year abusing their position by openly begging for a cake. Christmas is coming, Tom. If you had any guts, you’d send me two.