There may be an audience for a film that locks us in an Airbnb with two narcissistic sociopaths and one character so bland and beige that he barely exists, but for the life of me I can’t imagine who it is. A Kind of Kidnapping is dire. The tale of a desperate, debt-ridden couple – a failing actor with impulse control issues and an aspiring computer programmer – who abduct an obnoxious Tory politician for ransom, the picture is the latest addition to the inept criminal movie subgenre. It’s a genre that, at its best, produces films such as the Coen brothers’ classic Fargo. But at worst – and make no mistake, this is the absolute worst – it churns out spirit-crushing dialogue that largely consists of references to basic bodily functions and people shouting the word “dick”.

• In cinemas now, and on digital download from 24 July