Jimmy Kimmel

… on Barbie: “What an achievement to take a plastic doll no one even liked any more - you’d have a better chance of my wife buying our daughter a pack of Marlboro Reds than a Barbie doll before this movie. Now Barbie is a feminist icon, thanks to Greta Gerwig, who many believed deserved to be nominated for best director tonight. Hold on a second – I know you’re clapping, but you’re the ones who didn’t vote for her, by the way. Don’t act like you had nothing to do with this.”

… on Robert Downey Jr in Oppenheimer: “This is the highest point of Robert Downey Jr’s illustrious career. One of the highest points. [The camera finds Downey Jr, who taps his nose.] Was that too on the nose or a drug motion you made?”

… on Messi, the dog from Anatomy of a Fall: “Messi has an overdose scene ... I haven’t seen a French actor eat vomit like that since Gérard Depardieu.”

… on Emma Stone in Poor Things: “Emma played an adult woman with a brain of a child. Like the lady who gave a rebuttal to the state of the union.”

… on Robert De Niro and Jodie Foster: “In 1976, Jodie Foster was young enough to play Robert De Niro’s daughter. Now she’s 20 years too old to be his girlfriend.”

… on the Sag-Aftra strikes: “This long and difficult work stoppage taught us that this very strange town of ours – as pretentious and superficial as it can be – at its heart is a union town. It’s not just a bunch of heavily botoxed, Hailey-Bieber-smoothie drinking, diabetes-prescription-abusing, gluten-sensitive nepo babies with perpetually shivering chihuahuas. This is a coalition of strong, hardworking, mentally tough American labourers; women and men who would 100% for sure die if we even had to touch the handle of a shovel.”

Da’Vine Joy Randolph

… on winning best supporting actress for the Holdovers: “I didn’t think I was supposed to be doing this as a career. I started off as a singer and my mother said to me: ‘Go across that street to that theatre department, there is something for you there.’ And I thank my mother for doing that. … For so long I have always wanted to be different. And now I realise, I just have to be myself.”

Sean Ono Lennon

… after winning best animated short for War Is Over

My mother turned 91 in February, and today is Mother’s Day in the UK, so if everyone could please say, “Happy Mother’s Day, Yoko!”

Oscars’ audience: Happy Mother’s Day, Yoko!

Cord Jefferson

… on winning best adapted screenplay for American Fiction: “There are so many people out there who want the opportunity that I was given. I understand that this is a risk-averse industry, I get it, but $200m movies are also a risk – and it doesn’t always work out, but you make the risk anyway. So instead of making one $200m movie, try making 20 $10m movies – or 50 $4m movies. The next Martin Scorsese is out there, the next Greta – both Gretas! – the next Christopher Nolan. I promise you. Thank you all for trusting a 40-year-old black guy who’s never directed anything before. It’s changed my life.”

Jonathan Glazer

… on winning best international film for The Zone of Interest: “All our choices were made to reflect and confront us in the present – not to say ‘look what they did then’ but rather ‘look what we do now’. Our film shows where dehumanisation leads at its worst. It shapes all of our past and present. Right now we stand here as men who refute their Jewishness and the Holocaust being hijacked by an occupation which has led to conflict for so many innocent people; whether the victims of October the 7th in Israel, or the ongoing attack on Gaza – all the victims of this dehumanisation. How do we resist?”

Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt on Barbie vs Oppenheimer

Blunt: “Well the way this award season’s turned out, it wasn’t that much of a rivalry. Just let it go.”

Gosling: “It’s true, you guys are doing very well, congratulations. But I think I kinda figured out why they called it ‘Barbenheimer’ and they didn’t call it ‘Oppenbarbie’.”

Blunt: “Why?”

Gosling: “I think you guys were at the tail end of that because you were riding Barbie’s coat tails all summer.”

Blunt: “Thanks for Kensplaining that to me, Mr-I-need-to-paint-my-abs-on-to-get-nominated. You don’t see Robert Downey doing that.”

Robert Downey Jr

… on winning best supporting actor for Oppenheimer: “I’d like to thank my terrible childhood and the academy, in that order. I would like to thank my veterinarian – I meant wife, Susan Downey, over there – you found me, a snarling rescue pet, and you loved me back to life. That’s why I’m here … I wanna thank my stylist in case no one else does. And my entertainment lawyer, Tom Hansen, of 40 years – the first half of which he spent trying to get me insured and bailing me out of the hoosegow. Thanks bro.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito

DeVito: “How did Batman beat you?”

Schwarzenegger: “He used my one weakness against me.”

DeVito: “Heat?”

Schwarzenegger: “Love.”

DeVito: “Oh. He threw me out a window.”

Schwarzenegger: “Batman’s a son of a bitch. I hate him.”

Mstyslav Chernov

… on winning best documentary for 20 Days in Mariupol: “This is the first Oscar in Ukrainian history. And I’m honoured, I’m honoured. But probably I will be the first director on this stage who will say, I wish I had never made this film. I wish to be able to exchange this for Russia never attacking Ukraine, never occupying our cities … to Russia not killing tens of thousands of my fellow Ukrainians. I wish for them to release all the hostages, all the soldiers who are protecting their lands, all the civilians who are now in their jails.

“I cannot change the history. I cannot change the past. But we all together are some of the most talented people in the world. We can make sure that the history record is set straight, and that the truth will prevail. And that the people of Mariupol and those who have given their lives will never be forgotten. Because cinema forms memories, and memories form history.”

John Mulaney

… presenting best sound design: “Some people say the silent movie era is the golden age of cinema. Those people are difficult and insane … What about that moment in Field of Dreams when we hear, ‘If you build it he will come’? And then Costner does it, he builds a baseball field. But I guess he doesn’t build it, he mows down the corn and then there is a field and then he’s like, ‘I’m gonna watch ghosts play baseball.’ And then the bank is like, ‘You wanna pay your mortgage?’ and he’s like, ‘Nah, I’m gonna watch ghosts play baseball.’ And then he finds James Earl Jones, who wrote The Boat Rocker – which I thought was a real book deep into my 20s – and he’s like, ‘People will come, Ray.’ He’s the only one with the financial plan… I love Field of Dreams. That should win best picture! But they’ll probably go with one of this year’s. Here are the nominees.”

John Mulaney explaining the entire plot to Field of Dreams instead of presenting his category at the Oscars lol. king pic.twitter.com/5q98HfH5ur

— Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) March 11, 2024

Billie Eilish

… on winning best original song for What Was I Made For?: “I want to thank my best friend Zoe for playing Barbie with me growing up, and being by my side forever. I want to thank my dance teachers growing up. I want to thank my choir teachers – Ms Brigham, for believing in me, and Miss T, you didn’t like me but you were good at your job.”

Nic Cage

… to Paul Giamatti: “This past year, Paul Giamatti was so committed that for the character to have a lazy eye, he wore a soft contact lens during the entire shoot, which made him blind in that eye while filming. Would have I done that? Hell yes. But the point is, you did do it, Paul! And you were brilliant, again. Bravo!”

Cillian Murphy

… on winning best actor for Oppenheimer: “I’m a very proud Irish man standing here tonight. We made a film about the man who created the atomic bomb and for better or for worse we’re all living in Oppenheimer’s world, so I’d really like to dedicate this to the peacemakers everywhere.”

Christopher Nolan

… on winning best film for Oppenheimer: “Movies are just a little bit over 100 years old. Imagine being there 100 years into painting or theatre. We don’t know where this incredible journey is going from here but to know that you think I’m a meaningful part of it means the world to me.”

Emma Stone

… after winning best female actor for Poor Things: “My dress is broken. I think it happened during I’m Just Ken. I’m pretty sure. Oh boy this is really overwhelming. Sorry, my voice is also a little gone … Don’t look at the back of my dress.”

Jimmy Kimmel

… on Donald Trump: After reading almost verbatim a negative review of Kimmel’s hosting, posted to Trump’s Truth Social page:

“Thank you for watching – I’m surprised you’re still here. Isn’t it past your jail time?”

• This article was amended on 12 March 2024. Billie Eilish referred to her choir teacher Ms Brigham in her acceptance speech, not “Miss Freedham”.

Read more about the 2024 Oscars:

• Here’s our news wrap and full list of winners – now read Peter Bradshaw’s verdict
• Al Pacino, British mothers and a codpiece envelope: the real winners and losers of the night
• Relive how the ceremony unfolded with our liveblog and get up to speed with the top viral moments and the best quotes of the night
• Have a gander at how the stars looked on the red carpet and at the show