Most terrifying future technology
The winner is Her. Not for Samantha, who shows us a future where the importance of human interaction has diminished. Nor for Joaquin Phoenix's website, offering to write creepy heartfelt personal letters for people too busy to connect emotionally. No, it's because of the trousers. Who could possibly want to live in a future where everyone looks like Simon Cowell?
Film to inspire the most tedious broadsheet thinkpieces
If The Wolf of Wall Street wins an Oscar, we'll be reading: "Can we really forgive the bankers yet?" columns for weeks. If 12 Years a Slave wins, it'll be: "Why I've decided that slavery is bad". But if Blue Jasmine wins, we're done for. It'll be wall-to-wall Woody Allen opinions for the rest of the year. Let's give it this award and hope that's enough.
Tom Hanksiest Tom Hanks
No contest. We all know what we want from a Tom Hanks film, and that's for Tom Hanks to lark around and be all like, "Oh golly gee". What we don't want is for Tom Hanks to stand around on a boat, being filmed by a hyperactive monkey with springs for arms, and repeating the word "poirates" over and over again like Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons. So Saving Mr Banks beats Captain Phillips.
Best film that looked more fun to make than to watch
Lots of contenders here. The Wolf of Wall Street looked like a riot to be part of, but probably gave everyone who saw it deep-vein thrombosis. Then there's Grown Ups 2, which has to be disqualified because this category has the word "best" in it. Which means the winner is American Hustle; a film that's exactly what Grown Ups 2 would have been like if Adam Sandler had access to a box of wigs and a DVD of Carlito's Way.
Most superfluous Brad Pitt appearance
We have to rule out World War Z immediately, because Brad Pitt was in every shot of that film. Which leaves The Counsellor and 12 Years A Slave. Remove Pitt from The Counsellor and you'd have plot holes all over the place. But remove him from 12 Years a Slave and the only thing you'd miss are a couple of scenes where he pops up out of nowhere and acts like a punchably condescending Santa Claus at everyone. Slave wins!
Actor who'll annoy the most people by winning anything
This is evenly split between Matthew McConaughey and Jonah Hill. If the former wins an Oscar, we'll read the word "McConaissance" so many times that we'll all be better off stabbing ourselves in the heart. But look how irritating Jonah Hill got just by being nominated for Moneyball. If he wins for The Wolf of Wall Street, he'll be insufferable for ever. Hill wins.
