There were many words and phrases that made it big in 2012. Omnishambles. Gangnam Style. Fifty Shades of Pleb. There were also many equally evocative words and phrases that never made the headlines, because they didn't exist. But now they do, because I've just created them for this, your cut-out-and-keep Dictionary of New Words: 2012 edition.
Appministrate (appministrayt) verb. To spend hours playing frivolous iPad games despite being the prime minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Our bloody appministrator-in-chief is so addicted to Fruit Ninja and Angry Birds I'm starting to wonder if we should just glue a joystick to the floor of No 10 and tell "DVD Dave" it's a video game in which you have to run a country.
Armchair Paralympian (armchayer-parra-limp-iain) noun. Someone unable to use their legs for the duration of an exciting televised sporting event.
Chadult Movies (chah-dult moo-veez) noun. Big-budget motion pictures featuring children's characters and infantile themes that are nevertheless popular with adults on account of either their quasi-ironic appeal (Marvel Avengers) or dark and pretentious stylings (The Dark Knight Rises). Following the success of the chadult movie version of Batman, McDonald's is to relaunch its mascot Ronald McDonald as "The Vermillion Harlequin: a brooding, psychologically disturbed jester whose noble attempts to feed mechanically-separated meat to the population of McDonaldland are perpetually hampered by disfigured criminal Hamburglar".
Cry Troll (crye troll) verb. Of a celebrity, to claim any member of the public uttering even the mildest criticism is nothing but an attention-seeking "troll" whose pitiful so-called existence is several rungs below that of the lowliest silverfish. See also Freedom of Screech.
Cupcaked Crusader (cupcayk'd croozaduh) noun. The sort of person who, despite having a framed Keep Calm and Carry On poster on their wall, gets vociferously morally outraged by 25 different things over the course of the average morning on Twitter, eg Daily Mail headlines, anything Jeremy Clarkson says, people who post Homeland spoilers, Parcelforce delivery slots, etc. See also Moral 'mazeballs.
Freedom of Screech (freedumb ov screech) noun. The democratic right of any internet user to say whatever they like, as obnoxiously as they possibly can, to absolutely anyone at any time, without the slightest reproach or recrimination. By calling me an "asshole" just because I tweeted her personal account to tell her how awful her new video was and outline all the ways in which she has personally failed me, Rihanna not only proves beyond all doubt that unlike myself she has an embarrassingly thin skin, but also that she thinks having a few platinum discs and Grammys makes her somehow "above" the concept of freedom of screech. Well THINK AGAIN, LADY. See also Cry Troll.
Golden Dawn (goldun dorn) noun. Brief outbreak of nationalist fervour triggered each time a British athlete comes first. See also Armchair Paralympian.
Guiltish (gill-tish) adjective. To be 100% guilty of something in the eyes of the media. A blue-haired former landlord was found guiltish of murder yesterday, in a sensational and at times harrowing trial held across pages 1-6 of the Daily Mirror.
Moboglyphics (moh-boh-gliff-ixx) noun. The phenomenon of simple visual trademark gestures being widely copied by large numbers of fans for means of comic effect or loving tribute, eg the "Mobot", Usain Bolt's "lightning" pose, Victoria Pendleton's "heart" hands, the Gangnam Style "rodeo twirl", Adolf Hitler's "Sieg Heil", etc. Semantic experts claim that if current trends continue, human communication will consist solely of eight-character tweets and Instagrammed moboglyphics by the year 2017.
Paedosavile (peedo-sah-vill) noun. 1. A threat cunningly disguised as an unbelievably obvious threat, eg a creepy old man with a sparkly tracksuit, gold chain, bleached hair and cigar leering down the lens like a Glam Rock Freddy Krueger. 2. Any entertainer from the 1970s who provokes even the faintest schofeeling (qv).
Moral 'mazeballs (moruhl-mays-ballz) noun. The lightning-fast and scrupulously rational online judicial process through which society punishes the guilty, eg furiously tweeting death threats at an Australian DJ whose prank telephone calls are ethically indistinguishable from murder. See also Cupcaked Crusader.
National People-Killing-Machine Association (national people killing machine association) noun. Accurately titled US gun rights pressure group. A spokesman for the NPKMA claimed yesterday: "People-killing-machines don't kill people; people kill people." The remainder of his statement was drowned out by gales of hollow, angry laughter.
Schofeeling (skoh-feeling) noun. The vague suspicion that someone might be a paedophile because of something you read about them on the internet/the glint in their eye during a vintage Top of the Pops repeat/a Newsnight investigation. Holly, I've just been watching TV commercials from 1978 on YouTube and I've got a bit of a nasty schofeeling about the Honey Monster, so if it's OK with you I'm going to write his name down on a bit of paper and hand it to David Cameron. See also Paedosavile.
Yoloneliness (yolo-nl-ee-ness) noun. 1. The powerful sense of isolation a bewildered 21st century idiot attempts to stave off by bragging about his or her witless exploits on social networks, accompanying each boast with a modish hashtag. 2. Angst experienced after losing all of one's friends following a protracted bout of online braggadocio, often enhanced by the grim, slowly-dawning realisation that the maxim "you only live once" works equally well as a warning against such hubristic carelessness, so maybe you should've frigging well heeded it eh #yolo.
Charlie Brooker's 2012 Wipe is on BBC2 at 10pm on New Year's Day (unless you live in Northern Ireland, in which case it's the next day)
