The rise of the Slender Man was an unfortunate period. An urban legend that rapidly spiralled out of control thanks to his supposed ability to prey on children and make them insane, the Slender Man ended up being cited as the motivating factor in any number of grisly, real events. He allegedly inspired stabbings, arson and an epidemic of suicide attempts on a South Dakota reservation. Most notoriously of all, two 12-year-old Wisconsin schoolgirls stabbed a classmate 19 times because they apparently wanted to become proxies for the Slender Man.
Thankfully, the Slender Man was merely a blip, a weird instance of transient digital folklore that caused plenty of damage and then vanished. Except now it’s back, because Sony Pictures has made a film about the spooky old Slender Man! That’s fun, right? Not inappropriate or exploitative or irresponsible or anything like that.
The Slender Man trailer has now appeared online. Fortunately, its last half is basically a compilation of all the film’s scariest bits, which I will now present to you so that you never have to spend money on this ridiculous dreck.
1. The bulk of the trailer essentially offers a swift run-through of all the Slender Man’s powers. The first of these is his ability to rattle doors. Which is quite scary, admittedly, but only if you also have an irrational fear of stiff breezes.
2. The Slender Man can also make people jerk their heads around quickly, increasing the possibility of minor whiplash. Fortunately for the Slender Man, there aren’t any no-win, no-fee personal injury lawyers in hell.
3. MAGGOTS.
4. I have to own up here: I don’t actually know what the Slender Man has done to this girl. She might be alive, or she might be dead. Those might be roots coming out of her face, or clumps of hair. They might be electrical cables for all anyone knows. Either way, what a rotter that bloody Slender Man is.
5. In 2014, when hysteria surrounding the Slender Man was at its peak, the following poem did the rounds online, underlining the impossible extent of his evil: “Beware the Slender Man and make sure the nurse checks / For when he’s inside you, you’ll deface some Perspex.” This scene is that poem made horribly tangible.
6. Oh, and the Slender Man will make you attempt suicide. You remember, just like the 103 real-life residents of the Pine Ridge Indian reservation who all attempted suicide in part thanks to the irresponsible spread of stories about a fictitious suicide spirit who shared several similarities with the Slender Man? Remember that? Anyway, cool scene.
7. The Slender Man will also make you stab yourself in the eyeball with a scalpel. For clarification, Slender Man the creature will make you stab yourself in the eyeball with a scalpel. Slender Man the movie will only make you wish that you’d stabbed yourself in the eyeball before sitting down to watch it.
8. ROOTS.
9. Finally, and most terrifyingly of all, the Slender Man will force you to don a Beppe from EastEnders blood beard. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Especially if you invested in the Slender Man film and expected to see any of your money back ever again.
