Hi Jean-Claude! Your mum was in Paris for the premiere of your latest show (1). Were you nervous about her reaction?

I think she’s going to see me the way she’s known me since I was a kid: burlesque, clownish, funny, jokey. She’ll recognise that, for sure, but with my 50-years-plus face.

You have spent the last decade playing with the public’s perception of you (2). What are the pros and cons of that?

I’m very close to people from nature. I’m talking to you and it’s like we’ve known each other for two or three months already, so I’m opening up fast. But you can get hurt fast this way, too. We know about plasma, the existence of plasma, right? Even love can be felt through plasma, and also electromagnetic navigates through plasma. So when you’re in a movie or on TV and you show the people what you are, it goes even through the screen.

I found some information about a Canal+ sitcom called JC 1er. What is that?

Ah! So, when Amazon was slow on the making of Jean-Claude Van Johnson, this project was written. We have a problem in Belgium between the French and the Flemish, you know this right (3)? The prime minister is gone, so they have to come to take Jean-Claude Van Damme from a big movie, and he’s obligated by the king to take care of things. And I don’t like Belgium, right? I just want to go back to Hollywood. But slowly I come to love my country. It’s very unusual, very nicely written.

I read an interview with you …

Maybe it can be a co-production between Amazon and Canal+. That could be amazing. JEAN=CLAUDE JOHNSON! DA-NA-NA!

In this interview you were listing people you would like to work with, and you mentioned Ridley Scott. Now he is producing your show. Do you want to use this interview as an advert to find another director?

Scorsese. Did you see Di Caprio? He’s a good actor, right, but when he did two movies with Scorsese, it’s over. He hit another level. When you go to the school of Scorsese, he will never let you do anything false. Like I said. Plasma. You’re talking to me as the guy from the Guardian, but you can come in this room and be the biggest real estate agent in Paris. If you believe that strongly enough, I will smell it.

God, I wish I was the biggest real estate agent in Paris.

Me too. You know, you make much less money as an actor than in real estate. Trust me. They always talk about actors, private jets …

Oh, I don’t know. You were doing OK back in the 90s, weren’t you (4)?

Yeeeeeeah. I really … I messed up on that one.

I saw your eight-week body transformation plan. Look at my body. How much could you fix?

I can do one thing already to make you happy. All you have to do is turn your wrists out (5). Do it for five minutes a day. It automatically straightens your back. Do it 365 days a year and you open your cage, so the heart has less to pump. This is very important. Wow, the first impression you’ll create.

You have just saved me loads of money.

Did you know that the bite of a hyena is less dangerous than the bite of a human?

What?

Yep. If I bite you, you get more infected right away. A friend told me that. He said: “My brother, hyena’s teeth are sharp so they’ll poke a hole, so you have time to clean it and get shots.” But if a human bites you, we have lots of germs. It’s dangerous. It’s a weapon. [Pulls karate pose]. Too bad they didn’t see that on the Guardian.

FOOTNOTES

1 For his recently cancelled Amazon Prime show Jean-Claude Van Johnson

2 He has played himself in JCVD and various commercials, and now this.

3 Tensions have been high since the independence of Belgium in 1830.

4 He reportedly received $8m for Street Fighter.

5 Stand up straight, put your hands by your sides, now twist your arms so your wrists face out. Bingo.

• Jean Claude Van Johnson is available to stream on Amazon Prime