Adele just had a Titanic-themed birthday party. First, let’s make it clear this wasn’t the singer’s fault. Adele has just turned 30, which means she was nine when Titanic came out. She was right at the age where you unquestioningly watch and rewatch a film over and over again until you absorb every line and nuance into your very soul. I had a similar thing with Cannonball Run II.
To Adele, Titanic is a beautiful love story, not a harrowing depiction of one of the deadliest maritime disasters in human history. So, if anything, this is James Cameron’s fault for presenting such a toothless depiction of the sinking. Plus, let’s blame all of Adele’s friends for not grabbing her by the shoulders at the merest suggestion of a Titanic-themed birthday party and screaming: “ADELE! YOU’RE CELEBRATING THE DEATH OF 1,500 PEOPLE! THEY DROWNED IN FREEZING WATER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! COULD YOU NOT JUST GET A COLIN THE CATERPILLAR CAKE LIKE JUDI DENCH?” right in her face.
But, hey, a birthday’s a birthday. So let’s do the decent thing and plot out Adele’s next few birthday party milestones.
Adele’s 40th: Deepwater Horizon
Congratulations Adele. We heard you liked to spend your birthdays celebrating maritime disasters, so tonight’s festivities are based on the 2016 Peter Berg movie about the explosion and subsequent fire on the Deepwater Horizon semi-submersible mobile offshore drilling unit. True, the explosion only killed 11 people – small fry by your standards – but the 210m gallons of crude oil that spilled into the sea did kill countless marine creatures and according to reports caused nightmarish mutations to others born subsequently, if that helps.
Adele’s 50th: Pearl Harbor
OK, so we got your 40th slightly wrong. You turning up for your own party as a deformed eyeless crab caused all sorts of trouble, so for your 50th let’s just try and mimic your 30th as closely as possible. And that means a party themed around a film that tries to mimic Titanic as closely as possible; Michael Bay’s 2001 Pearl Harbor. It’s got all the romance of Titanic. It’s got the same thrilling action as Titanic. Best of all, it happily glosses over 2,403 real-life deaths. You could even dress up as a 1940s nurse. Cute!
Adele’s 60th: Alive
Right, new plan. The papers really don’t seem to be on board with your birthdays celebrating huge real-life disasters, so for your 60th let’s keep it low-key. Your party this year will be about Alive, a depiction of events after the Uruguayan air force plane crash of 1972. This is a much happier story – it’s called Alive, not Dead – that focuses on the survivors of the crash. Yes, these people suffered so much that they were forced to eat the flesh of the dead, but that’s just a fun buffet option.
Adele’s 70th: World Trade Center
Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that it’s too soon for a 9/11-themed birthday party. But, first, this happened 57 years ago now. And second, feeding guests platters of human flesh for your 60th was, in hindsight, a terrible idea, so it’s best to go big again. Let’s snarl up a load of girders, cover everyone in dust and celebrate Oliver Stone’s 2006 re-creation of an attack that still causes visceral horror in anyone who was alive to witness it. The attack killed almost 3,000 people, which means the party has the potential to be twice the size of your 30th. What’s not to love?
Adele’s 80th: Marley & Me
Fine, we got that one badly wrong. Your World Trade Center birthday party cost you your career and made you a global pariah. But stick with us, Adele. We can do better. For your 70th, no more real-life disasters. We’re just going to theme it around Marley & Me, a film about a memoir about a beautiful dog. For your party, you enter the hall, it’s rammed with lovely puppies and that’s it. Obviously, to stay true to the film, the party has to end with the ritualistic deaths of all the puppies, but that’s just how it is. Adele? Hello? Are you still there? Hello?
