Name: Steven Seagal.
Age: 66.
Appearance: Like someone ate Steven Seagal. “A disgraced Vegas magician”, according to the LA Times. A melted John Travolta.
He’s not in the news because he’s made another film, is he? Tell me it’s not that. TELL ME. Calm yourself, my friend. Were that the case, we would have posted a trigger warning. He has simply been sighted as one of the guests at Vladimir Putin’s latest swearing in as Russia’s Greatest President of All Time Totally No Messing.
Why was he there? I thought he was some Zen Buddhist master thingibob. He was indeed declared a tulku, or reincarnated lama, by a Buddhist master in 1997. But he has since then found a way to combine the fact that the reborn spirit of treasure revealer Chungdrag Dorje is dwelling within him with other things.
Like what? He released two albums, launched an energy drink and an aftershave called Scent of Action, and became a reserve deputy sheriff in Jefferson, Louisiana, which led to the reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman.
Oh, I remember that! The real police were really good at enduring his presence. Why is it not on any more? It all got a bit complicated after Seagal was named in a suit alleging sexual trafficking, although he denied it and the suit was later dropped.
Ah. But he’s bounced back! He became aikido buddies with Putin and a cheerleader for some of the man’s greatest works, a spokesman and lobbyist for the Russian arms manufacturer Orsis and, two years ago, a Russian citizen. (“He was asking quite insistently and over a lengthy period,” according to a weary government official.)
Wow. I know. And you thought there was no beginning to the man’s talents.
Well, I have seen Kill Switch. Fair enough. But bear in mind also that he fitted all this around developing a line of aromatherapy oils and fending off allegations of sexual assault.
What a guy. You begin to see what Putin sees in him It’s not just the outspoken support for the annexation of Ukraine, you know. He’s a real grafter. He made more than five direct-to-video films in 2016 alone, as well as touring Russian schools and visiting arms fairs with the president.
I did not think I would live to see the day when I would long for Steven Seagal to stick with acting. Truly, every hour we stray further from God’s light. But closer to the fiery heat-death of the universe! So, peckers up, everybody! Peckers up!
Do say: “I miss the 80s.”
Don’t say: “What’s Russian for ‘useful idiot’?”
