Turns out that reaction is actually quite thin on the ground, so I’ll call it a night. Thanks for sticking with me through these weird Oscars. Do join me next year, when they will be terrible in a different way.

You will be pleased to learn that Da Butt already exists on Gif form, where it will remain forevermore.

For those just joining us, who don’t have the stomach to track back through seven hours of non-stop liveblog (and who could possibly blame you?), here is Benjamin Lee’s summary of the night.

Hannah Jewell makes a good point

I believe the plan is now for me to hang around and see how people are going to react to that weird, weird Oscars show. What was your favourite bit? Was it Glenn Close doing a twerk? Was it the way someone accidentally fast-forwarded through the dead people? Was it Joaquin Phoenix’s bristling resentment at having to do anything but read out names?

I’m really not sure what to make of that ceremony at all. On one hand, the Oscars obviously needed to be shaken up, and this year presented a perfect opportunity. But on the other, all the changes were bad and I didn’t enjoy any of it.

Briefly, I missed the suffocating heft of the Oscars proper. I missed presenters doing bits, instead of just genuflecting aimlessly at the nominees. I missed having best picture at the end. I missed clips of the films. I missed a lot. But, hey, at least it was relatively short. That’s a big plus.

Phoenix is flat-out refusing to do the introductions. He’s just readin’ names and runnin’ away. What a guy.

Let’s find out. Renée Zellweger is presenting the best actress award. And we’re back to the weird introductions, with Zellweger doing the bizarre wedding vow thing. Does that mean Joaquin Phoenix is going to have to do that, too?

So now what? My theory is they do best actress next, and then Chadwick Boseman will win best actor and that will be the note on which we say goodbye. But what the hell do I know?

Frances McDormand is doing part of the speech. She urges everyone to go back to the movies, and then howls like a wolf.

Rita Moreno is here to present. Thankfully there are clips, so at least the overwhelming majority of Oscars viewers who haven’t seen these films will know what they look like. What a radical idea.

A weird moment now. Usually, best picture is the culmination of the night. But now it’s being quietly chucked out third from last. That’s a strange choice, isn’t it? What’s going on?

Meanwhile, backstage, the hero of the night rolls on.

Angela Bassett is here to introduce the In Memoriam segment. This has been a genuinely miserable year, and the faces of people we lost are speeding through at a genuinely unprecedented rate, which only really serves to make the whole thing even sadder.

The culmination of the pub station is Glenn Close twerking. Glenn Close twerking during a pub quiz in a train station. And to think people probably aren’t watching this.

A pub quiz in a train station. Hooray for Hollywood.

I took my eye off the ball for a second, and now there seems to be some sort of pub quiz going on.

Batiste is doing the lion’s share of accepting here, and he’s doing a tremendous job. He seems like a fan first and foremost, and his speech is a love letter to music. Terrific.

Perry tells a story about a woman he helped, who needed shoes. His wardrobe department gave her some shoes, and she cried. He tells a story about his mother, and how she taught him to help people and refuse hate. This has been a weird night, but this is a big old-school Oscars moment. It’s the sort of thing that deserves an orchestral swell. It gets a standing ovation, but it’s a standing ovation from about a hundred people in a train station, so it feels very small.

In the film, Perry talks of his generosity. And then Whoopi Goldberg speaks of his generosity. He has set up a foundation that helps thousands of people, and built a studio. The film ends, and Perry accepts a humanitarian award.

Now for Viola Davis, who is discussing Tyler Perry, in order to introduce a short film about Tyler Perry.

Harrison Ford is here! The Oscars are suddenly treating us! He’s reading notes about how much the studio executives hated Blade Runner. And, I mean, if you’re going to wash dirty laundry like that, you might as well do it in a train station in the middle of a pandemic. Anyway, he’s here to present best editing.

Here’s Halle Berry, presenting best production design. No clips.

Quite an upsetting cutaway to Maria Bakalova, however, who looked as if she was being actively consoled during Youn’s speech.

Brad Pitt is here, to present best supporting actress. And he’s treated like a conquering hero, from when people used to be famous.

And now, Steven Yeun is here for best visual effects, telling a lovely story about his mother taking him to see Terminator 2 by mistake. Obviously, we don’t get to see any of the nominated visual effects, but never mind.

Before the winner is announced, our head of video Charlie Phillips (who was mentioned in Colette’s acceptance speech) is reacting on Twitter.

Best documentary feature now. And, thankfully, a montage of clips.

If you’d like to know more about Colette – and you should, because it’s wonderful – everything you could ever want to know about it is here.

• Guardian film Colette wins Oscar for best documentary short

Now for Short Documentary. And the only time of the ceremony where The Guardian has any sort of skin in the game. Colette was released by The Guardian.

The Soul team finish their beautiful speeches, and then there’s an obnoxious ‘BNERRRR BNERRRR BNERRRR’ klaxon and Nine to Five by Dolly Parton starts playing. This seems like a particularly risky musical strategy, given than many of the speeches tonight have concluded with heartfelt messages about gun violence or tearful reminiscences about dead relatives.

Of course Soul won. It was the best film of the year, full stop. It is a masterpiece. Pete Docter uses his speech to call the film “a love letter to jazz”, though, which probably shouldn’t appear on any posters. Hooray for Soul, though! A film that people have actually seen. Imagine.

Now for best animated feature, which Soul is going to win. The next thing I write will be: “Soul wins best animated feature.” You just watch.

This is a very sweet speech, though. One of the winners said “I love you” to his wife, and there was a cutaway to his wife, and she was crying. It might be because it’s half past two in the morning, but I found it a very lovely moment.

And now, here is Reese Witherspoon to present best animated short. And we’ll never get to see any of them, because the format of this ceremony means that we’re going to hear about what the nominees were like as children. This ceremony should have been an email, with YouTube links.

And now for live-action short. Ahmed is not explaining a thing about the nominees, just reading their names. I wonder what the films are like? Guess we’ll never know.

Riz Ahmed is here to present best sound. Given that he’s the star of a film that had the best sound of the year, this seems like a lock-in for The Sound of Metal.

Still, wouldn’t it have been nice to SEE SOME OF THE ACTUAL FILM IN A CLIP, STEVEN SODERBERGH? MAYBE? I MEAN JESUS CHRIST.

Bong asked the nominated directors what directing means to them, and they replied in writing, and now he is reading out their responses in Korean. This is such an aggressively anti-mainstream ceremony. It’s like they want people to turn off. I’m sort of impressed by the chutzpah. Or at least I would be if I didn’t have to sit through the bloody thing.

Best director already. Bong Joon-Ho is presenting, from Korea, in Korean. But his translator is here! Remember her? Remember her from last year before the whole world set itself on fire? I miss her.

There has been an Oscar awarded here, but it’s being presented in the lobby of a cinema. At least once the speech is over, the winners can go and play Time Crisis or eat a bad hotdog or whatever.

Oh wait, he’s talking about humanitarianism. This segment is claggy and gloopy, but it actually feels like the Oscars. Who knew that I’d miss suffocating condescension?

Bryan Cranston is actually in the Dolby Theater, where the Oscars usually take place. Has he turned up by mistake? Has he got a Saturday job there? Is he a ghost? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Now for best costume design. The nominees here do get little explanations. Is this arbitrary? What’s going on? And also, since this is the best costume design award, wouldn’t it be nice to, you know, see some of the costumes?

The hair and makeup nominees don’t get clips OR explanations, just some names read out. Don Cheadle hasn’t even told one of them that they have a beautiful soul yet. What a crock.

Oh, wait, he’s presenting best hair and makeup. Easy mistake to make.

Don Cheadle is here now. Maybe he has a train to catch.

I think I’ve identified the fatal flaw in tonight’s format. Nobody, relatively speaking, has seen any of these films. A good clip montage for each category would at least get the films out in front of people. But instead we get Laura Dern explaining the best personal qualities of each individual nominees. That doesn’t make me want to see any of those films. It makes me want to see most of them less.

Kaluuya is being long-winded, but did at least end his speech by mortifying his entire family by explaining how his parents had sex and created him.

Now it’s best supporting actor. And – OH NO! – Laura Dern is introducing the nominees one by one like she’s doing a bunch of wedding vows. This is 100% going to be the least-watched Oscars ever. This format means that I’m toying with the idea of bailing, and I’m being paid to watch it.

All the speeches have all been quite long so far. You’ll notice there isn’t an orchestra this year. What’s going to happen when the speeches overrun? Is Questlove going to DJ them off? What’s the protocol?

Oh thank God, it’s an old-fashioned montage. Never leave me, montage! I’ll never say anything bad about you ever again!

Best international feature now, presented by Laura Dern who is apparently half-goose now. Is she going to present traditionally, or do the weird dating profile thing that Regina King did?

And we’re up to our first commercial break. I think, so far, that the best we can hope for tonight is brevity. There is somehow even less atmosphere than the remotely-conducted Baftas tonight, and it might be a mercy for everyone to get this wrapped up in an hour or so.

And now we’re back with King, introducing the best adapted screenplay nominees. And it’s the same format. It’s like being a party, being introduced to other people because the person you’re currently talking to has grown bored of you. I sort of hate it.

It’s BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. And instead of clips, King is introducing each nominee in the same way a gameshow host might introduce a set of contestants. I don’t want to be hyperbolic, but if this is the way the whole show will be, I’m going to throw myself out of a window into a skipful of infected syringes.

And with Zendaya in a lemon yellow bandeau dress which matched her mask, that’s it from the fashion desk. So how was it? Small, but powerful. Tulle, bows, socially distanced dresses and some absolute stellar twists on the tux from the men, the first in-person red carpet event this year was about scale, glamour and gold Crocs

King has a hard job here; introducing the show, explaining the weirdness, commenting on Black Lives Matter and performing what might generously be described as a monologue, albeit a monologue about vigorous Covid-testing. AND she’s presenting an award. What a woman.

Barely anyone is in attendance. This has all the ambience of a morning zoo radio show. It’s WEIRD.

We begin with a sort of relay race, as Regina King walks into the train station with an Oscar, and then sort of keeps walking. This isn’t actually a relay race at all, sorry. It’s just Regina King walking through a train station with an Oscar.

Laura Dern

In another fitting homage to Björk’s swan dress from 2001, Laura Dern has gone for the anti-Zoom look of the night: gussied feathered skirt down below, sober polo neck up top. Moira Rose meets Animal Farm.

Over on the Sky pre-show, Olivia Colman is being interviewed from the London Oscars hub on the South Bank. She seems very aware that it is 1am and the hall seems sparsely attended and quite echoey.

Halle Berry

Halle Berry looks happy to be out of the house tonight.

I’m going to abandon the red carpet in a moment to get ready to liveblog the actual Oscars, but one of the red carpet people just got extraordinarily excited about “a low messy pony” and now my next children’s book has a new lead character.

Not to say that Regina King has walked off with the red carpet, but her stylists are now being interviewed on the red carpet. This is happening because Regina King is wearing a once-in-a-generation dress, and not because this red carpet is a howling vacuum of nothingness and the E! executives are currently sitting in a room riddled with anguish over the fact that they decided to dedicate three hours to this madness.

Angela Bassett

Quality Street couture from Angela Bassett. Super-sized sleeves and a tulle cape, with a huge bow on the back, make it extra delicious.

Amanda Seyfried

More tulle, this time in sculptured cherry red by Armani Prive. Nominated for her role in Mank, Amanda’s look is as close to old Hollywood glamour as we’ve seen tonight.

Vanessa Kirby

It’s a red carpet of two halves as far as the womenswear is concerned: crop tops and boob tubes in one corner, roll necks in another. I know which I would rather be wearing, but Princess Margaret looks spectacular in this dress with its half-moon shaped cut out. The blood red lips – and visible lockdown roots – bring bite to the blush pink satin.

There has been a ton of talk on the red carpet about THE RETURN OF GLAMOUR, and how it has banished the year-long funk we have all been suffering though. GLAMOUR WINS OUT, they said.

And then this happened.

Lakeith Stanfield

Woah so Lakeith Stanfield is in custom-made Saint Laurent by Anthony Vaccarello. Where to start? The Safar-style jacket, the nipped-in waist, the flared trousers, the girth of those lapels. It is loosely based on a women’s look by the same brand. What woman wouldn’t want to wear that?

Riz Ahmed and Fatima Farheen Mirza

He’s a dreamy actor. She’s a dreamy bestselling poet. Unsurprisingly, they look utterly perfect, as is their love story. (They were recently married, having met by chance in a coffee shop. He proposed to her using Scrabble tiles.) Anyway: fashion. Yet more strong menswear: Riz’s tailoring is flawless and the black T-shirt looks a lot more modern than a bow tie.

Regina King

There’s something deeply transformative about Regina King’s custom-made blue silk dress by Louis Vuitton. Maybe it’s the ethereal blue shade. Maybe it’s the structure. It’s probably the butterfly wings attached to the shoulders.

Maria Bakalova

The Borat star is in plunging Louis Vuitton tulle, with a diameter that enables social distancing and – I’d hazard – she’s wearing it in homage to Björk’s swan dress, which is 20 years old this year.

Turns out that I missed the one viral moment from the red carpet: Riz Ahmed fixing his wife’s hair. In my defence, I was eating wine gums when this happened, so don’t blame me.

Andra Day is being interviewed now, and is conducting herself with all the confidence of a woman who is about to ram a four-inch swab up the noses of 80 people so that they can eat some peach cobbler.

Viola Davis

A custom-made, laser-cut, silk white floor-length gown by Alexander McQueen, topped off with a proper updo and matching clutch like it’s 2012. An actual dress befitting of the season and the mood and impossible to sit down in. Finally.

Carey Mulligan

Respect to Carey Mulligan for this, a proper, possibly panniered, dress. It’s a Valentino couture boob tube situation. It’s big enough that she could, of course, be wearing sweatpants underneath but she looks incredibly glamorous and very committed to social distancing.

It has just been pointed out to me that this year’s nominee gift bag contains a commemorative Chadwick Boseman NFT. Which means, by my estimation, that we are approximately three years away from monetising the entire In Memoriam segment via the medium of virtual art.

Daniel Kaluuya

Surely one of the most interesting dressers of the past few award ceremonies – did you see the purple Louis Vuitton pyjamas at the Sags, or the white tux from Alexander McQueen at the Baftas? For this, his first non-virtual ceremony this year, he’s wearing a Bottega Veneta tux, a black T-shirt, and hefty jewellery from Cartier. More casual than formal from the off-grid It label of the moment.

OK, one more hour of this and then the Oscars will actually start. We can do this.

I have changed my mind. Alan Kim’s commitment to shuffling around on the red carpet like a little robot has made him my new favourite person.

Chloé Zhao

The best director front runner Chloé Zhao has spent most awards ceremonies beaming in on Zoom from her living room wearing plaid shirts and T-shirts. Excellent to see that she didn’t let the heavy-handed Oscars dress code memo divert her too far from her usual style. Her trainers look excellent here, with her neat Greta plaits and an oyster-coloured sweater dress, one of many red carpet roll necks so far. Hers is by Hermes, apparently. Never has an Oscars red carpet looked so cosy.

Chloe Zhao appears to be wearing a knitted dress. I’m 90% sure she wore dungarees to the Baftas. This woman’s commitment to comfort at any cost has made her my new favourite person.

We are now looking at how Viola Davis’s red carpet style has evolved throughout the years. This is because there are no famous people in attendance this year and in retrospect making a three-hour television programme about this red carpet is an absolute madness.

Mikkel EG Nielsen

Menswear is steamrolling the red carpet this year. Take the Danish editor who sees your dress code, Oscars, and raises you this: a wide-legged tuxedo that could be Hermès, Balenciaga or Bottega Veneta, a cream shirt, no tie, too-long cuffs, and barely visible heeled shoes. Stellar effort from the Sound of Metal men so far.

Glenn Close

Safe, staid, glam. Eight-time nominee Glenn Close is wearing Armani Prive (as is her wont) – but she’s also the first nominee to wear PPE on the red carpet. The leather gloves, made by Armani, are in homage to the designer’s late mother and her tunic is made from silk, organza and mesh. It also took a meagre three weeks to stitch together. She also just admitted to keeping all her character’s T-shirts, jeans and Nikes in a library. That’s a lot to take in.

Wait, no, she just said “piss” on the red carpet. Please preserve this woman in amber.

Yuh-Jung Youn is on the red carpet now. Last time she spoke in public, she called all British people “snobs”. She’s being a little more conservative this time around, saying that everyone has heard of the Oscars and the Minari cast all rented an Airbnb together. Maybe she’s saving the good stuff for the acceptance speech.

Leslie Odom Jr and Nicolette Robinson

Quite a look from Leslie Odom Jr here – part Tinman, part Oscars statuette, and pretty advanced styling, what with the slim polo neck layered under the gold shirt. It’s all by Brioni and serves as further proof that the days in which men wore nothing but penguin suits on the red carpet are waning. His wife, Nicolette Robinson, who clearly looks incredible, told red carpet reporters that this is their first night out of sick-stained sweatpants since having a baby four weeks ago. They scrub up well.

Glenn Close is now being interviewed. She is being asked about the ceremony, and says that she doesn’t know about it. And this means that she has to fill time by talking about Hillbilly Elegy, and both she and the interviewer are very delicately avoiding mentioning whether or not the film is any good. Because HOO BOY.

“Alan, a lot of celebrities will be here tonight. Is there anyone you’re especially excited to see?”

Pause.

Longer pause.

Pause continues.

“Not really.”

I am currently watching the world’s weirdest interview, as the E! reporter grills Minari’s nine-year-old star Alan Kim about what he got for his birthday. He got a Fitbit, an iPad and a bike, if you’re interested. Which you’re not. Nobody is. How could they be?

Lee Isaac Chung

Nominated for Minari, the director has arrived in something befitting of the strangely specific red carpet dress code: a black Brioni tuxedo and patent Dr Martens with yellow thread. Valerie Chung in structured gold brocade, strappy heels and carrying a handbag (hello, old friends) is a sight for sore eyes.

Emerald Fennell is on the red carpet, having made a transatlantic flight in order to stand in the entrance to a train station and shout replies to distant reporters. “I eat pizza out of a bin,” she says, jokingly. “I’m obsessed,” says the presenter, weirdly unjokingly.

And to make up the lack of any real celebrities, E! is also running something called Red Carpet Retro, where we get to be reminded what A-list actresses used to look like. HOT NEWS JUST IN: at some point in the last decade and a half, Nicole Kidman described her sleeves.

Paul Raci

Nominated for his stirring supporting role in Sound of Metal is Paul Raci wearing a double-breasted back tuxedo in – possibly – Prada (the actor wore a red version to the Baftas) with crystal lapels, a neck pin and black nails. We don’t know the exact shade but our money’s on Chanel’s Gris Obscur. Yet again, it’s the men serving the strongest looks so far.

Strapped of a traditional red carpet to report, E! is now basically just trawling through a bunch of celebrity Instagram accounts to see what people are wearing. HOT NEWS JUST IN: Alison Brie is currently wearing a sweater.

I’ve just remembered that lots of people will be saying the word “Mank” tonight. You know what? I was starting to lose enthusiasm for this evening, but nothing makes me happier than being reminded that someone went to the trouble of making an entire film, and then called it Mank. I’m back in. MANK!

Hello from Team Fashion ... and here’s Colman Domingo!

Greetings from Hannah and Morwenna on Team Fashion, here to appraise the outfits. As you may have read, this year’s ceremony is subject to a strict dress code, designed to stifle the urge to wear sweatpants. “Formal is totally cool if you want to go there, but casual is really not,” the organisers said. So no chance of seeing Glenn Close in her pyjamas, sadly. What a relief then that one of the first people on the red carpet is Colman Domingo, of Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, wearing this delightfully pink, jolly suit. Also: it’s sustainably vintage (last season’s Versace). Let’s hope this is a sign of a spirited red carpet to come.

An interesting thing I’ve noticed E! doing is loading up loads of interstitial clips of last year’s ceremony. It’s jarring because there are lots of people standing close to each other, and some of them are actually famous. It makes a big change from this year’s carpet, which so far consists of two vaguely recognisable people shouting at each other from a conspicuously safe distance.

The E! hosts are now talking about social media. They are all very impressed that Laura Dern is performing her own Covid test. Celebrities: they’re just like us.

Will there be any post-ceremony parties this year? Surprisingly yes. Variety reports that Andra Day is hosting 80 people in a thoroughly Covid-safe soiree. The good news is that guests will be served peach cobbler. The bad news is that nobody will be let in until they’ve taken an on-site rapid test. Well done to Day for finding the only 80 people on Earth who enjoy peach cobbler enough to endure dry-heaving on a testing swab.

NEWS! One person has actually arrived at the Oscars. It’s Paul Raci, who must now suffer through three horrible hours of walking around an unfamiliar train station hoping that he’ll find somebody to talk to, and wondering if he can get away with just hiding in a toilet cubicle until the ceremony starts.

While we’re waiting for something to happen, why not indulge yourself in some of the marvellous Oscars coverage that the Guardian has produced this year.

Andrew Pulver has written about how nobody is going to watch the Oscars this year.

I listed the 20 most awkward moments in Oscars history. With CLIPS!

Peter Bradshaw has compiled his annual Braddies, and has gone in hard in several categories this year

And, finally, bit late now but whatever, here’s a handy guide on how you can watch all the nominated films in the UK. In truth, you could probably pick and watch them instead of watching the actual Oscars, and you’d probably be happier for it. But you’re here now. No refunds.

Because the Oscars are still a full three hours away, the E! coverage currently just consists of some hosts describing whatever they happen to be wearing. If I go quiet for a bit, it’s because there’s something slightly redundant about describing a television presenter describing their own shoes.

Right then. The E! coverage definitely has a red carpet outside a train station. And I don’t know about you, but I’m excited. I’d forgotten what train stations are like.

Welcome, one and all, to the Guardian’s liveblog of what might well be the oddest Oscars ever. For an entire year we’ve been wondering how a movie ceremony will celebrate movies in a year where there weren’t any movies, and now we’re about to find out.

And, honestly, I’m actually a little excited about it. Usually you know exactly what to expect going into the Oscars: long speeches, self-satisfied tributes to the power of cinema, excruciating musical numbers, extended periods of flat-out tedium. But this year, anything goes. The musical performances are no longer tied to one location, so they have the potential to actually be fun. The organisers had originally promised no Zoom speeches, so we’ll have to see how that holds up.

Best of all, nobody knows who’s going to win. Usually the Oscars are the culmination of a long and arduous awards season, with a consensus forming about the winners at some point in January. Not here though. Awards season has been spotty, no consensus exists and – quite frankly – barely anyone has actually seen any of the nominated films. Chloé Zhao’s Nomadland is tipped for glory, but it isn’t released in the UK until next week. The Father isn’t out until June, nor is Another Round. True, Hillbilly Elegy is currently available on Netflix but, Jesus Christ, who on Earth has the willpower to actually sit through Hillbilly Elegy?

So, a weird year, and a ceremony that’s doomed to become the least-watched ever. But, hey, I’m glad you’re here. This is how the evening will go: for the next three hours I’ll be covering the screeching hellride that is the E! Pre-show, with help from the magnificent Hannah Marriott and Morwenna Ferrier. Then (providing that I haven’t completely abandoned the will to live at that point) the ceremony will start at 1am UK time and I’ll be with you until the bitter goddamned end. Sounds good? Good.