That’s it from us for this year’s live Oscars coverage. Thanks for reading and commenting. You can see a list of the winners here:

And my colleague Nadia Khomami has the full story on Will Smith striking Chris Rock live on stage:

The author Bernardine Evaristo is among those to have condemned Smith’s actions at the ceremony:

Best actor winner Will Smith apologised in his acceptance speech for striking presenter Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaven head.

Accepting the Oscar for his role as Richard Williams, the father of tennis stars Venus and Serena Williams, in King Richard, Smith apologised to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and his fellow nominees but not to Rock.

“Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family,” a tearful Smith said and continued: “Love will make you do crazy things’, adding: ‘I hope the academy invites me back.”

Stars are arriving at the Vanity Fair Oscars after-party:

The ballgown is dead. Long live the simple white shirt. The look that will go down in history from this year’s Oscar ceremony is a crisp white shirt. And not only because both Will Smith and Chris Rock were wearing them during that incident, but because the best dressed on the red carpet passed on the fairytale frocks and chose white shirts instead.

Here’s a reminder of the moment when Ariana DeBose made history as the first openly queer woman of colour to win an acting Oscar:

In case you’re just landing, here’s a look at a full list of the night’s winners:

Will Smith won his first Oscar tonight (after being nominated twice before) for tennis drama King Richard, where he plays Richard Williams, father to Venus and Serena.

To coincide with its release last year, David Smith spoke to those who knew the real Richard:

The video montage you’ve been waiting for:

Rob Reiner is #TeamChris then

Don’t do this

While the parties continue to rage on, here’s a taste of what it feels like to get drunk next to an Oscar-winner:

Best actress winner Jessica Chastain gave one of the night’s most powerful speeches, sending hope to LGBTQ youth at risk in memory of the televangelist turned gay activist she played in The Eyes of Tammy Faye.

Here’s some background on the real woman and the work she did:

Tiffany Haddish has defended Will Smith’s on-stage behaviour tonight at the Governor’s Ball.

“When I saw a Black man stand up for his wife,” she said to People. “That meant so much to me. As a woman, who has been unprotected, for someone to say like, ‘Keep my wife’s name out your mouth, leave my wife alone,’ that’s what your husband is supposed to do, right? Protect you. And that meant the world to me. And maybe the world might not like how it went down, but for me, it was the most beautiful thing I ever seen because it made me believe that there are still men out there that love and care about their women, their wives.”

Here’s a look back at this year’s predictable set of winners and unpredictable turn of events from Peter Bradshaw:

The video and the memes and the celebrity reactions might have done the rounds but here’s a longer look at what led to tonight’s bizarre confrontation:

Hard to argue with this tactic

While The Power of the Dog might have been snubbed for a few too many awards (it went into the night as the most nominated film), Jane Campion did become only the third woman ever to win the best director Oscar. You can read our recent interview with her here:

Before Will and Chris got into it, host Regina Hall risked causing friction with a comment about Jada and Will’s relationship during a skit. You can check it out here:

Despite the moment of male-on-male violence hogging a lot of the energy right now, it was also a historic night for women:

There are some understandable grumbles over key omissions from this year’s in memoriam section. While the montage included Sidney Poitier and William Hurt, other names such as Ed Asner, Bob Saget, Willie Garson and Gaspard Ulliel were not included:

Drive My Car went into the night with a historic win already under its belt - the first Japanese film to receive a best picture nominee - and left with an Oscar for best international feature, beating out Flee and The Worst Person in the World. Here’s our interview with director Ryūsuke Hamaguchi:

For a more complete round-up of how Hollywood reacted to the night’s shocking altercation, here’s a look at what everyone from Mia Farrow to 50 Cent had to say:

Will Packer, who produced this year’s telecast, has tweeted his reaction to the night’s big moment

Info on ratings might still be on the way (recent history tells us not to expect much) but it was a big night on Twitter and not just because of “the slap”. Here are some of the best memes and reactions:

More pictures of celebrities arriving at the Vanity Fair Oscars party to discuss what just happened at the Oscars

In case you missed it, here was the tennis ball-green opening performance from Beyoncé. They were simpler times back then

A big night for the Macbeth Wikipedia page

It’s also worth remembering that as well as whatever happened between Will and Chris happening, Coda won best picture. Here’s an interview we did a while back with one of the film’s stars Marlee Matlin

Kim Kardashian has arrived at the Vanity Fair party...

“I love GI Jane” - Mia Farrow

Parties are happening! Picture of parties happening!

This is the palate cleanser we all need right now

So that Judd Apatow tweet, which you may or may not have seen, where the director says Will could have killed Chris? Well, firstly it’s been deleted and secondly, Twitter won’t let anyone forget it:

If you missed out on a very long and very odd Oscars then here’s a look back in the handy form of a gallery:

In case you missed it, here’s Will Smith’s speech/apology:

And here’s a look back at some of the funniest, strangest and most tense quotes of the night:

And now Jaden Smith enters the chat

And here’s a bit more background on the Rock/Smith beef

Some of the notable records and victories of the night in summary:

• Ariana DeBose became the first openly queer woman of colour to win an acting Oscar and only the second latina actor
• Jane Campion became only the third female winner of best director
• Troy Kotsur became the first deaf male winner of an acting Oscar and only the second deaf acting winner
• Billie Elish became the first Oscar winner who was born in the 21st century
• Coda became the first streaming film to win best picture

Okay some of these are a little inside baseball, but the story is: Coda mixed things up a tad:

An update here on LAPD involvement which, unsurprisingly, suggests that this isn’t progressing as a crime:

Here’s a look at Jessica Chastain’s emotive speech aimed at LGBTQ youth:

This has to be ... right?

So just a refresh for those coming in late or early wherever you are. The night’s biggest moment came from best actor winner Will Smith, who went viral after he appeared to slap Chris Rock for making an ill-advised joke about his wife Jada Pinkett’s alopecia. Rock joked that she was set to make GI Jane 2 next, which led Smith to rush up on stage and try to hit Rock. Smith then told him to get his wife’s name out of his mouth.

Smith was then calmed down by Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry. During his tearful towards the Academy, and likened himself to Richard Williams, as someone who also protects the women in his life.

Here’s more:

A slight overreaction here?

“We don’t have any details about the incident. As soon as we do, we will make them available to the public,” an LAPD spokesperson has said about the Rock vs Smith incident. Could this be the first year an Oscar winner is also charged with a crime? That we know of?

Thanks for reading everyone, or for getting here by accident because you typed “Did Will Smith just hit Chris Rock?” into Google with your thumbs in a hurry. Either way, I appreciate it. Now, who’s for some group counselling?

And that’s that. The three hosts, dressed in pyjamas, very quickly speed the ceremony to a close. And, well, you would too, wouldn’t you? What an immensely crackpot few hours those were. Will the Oscars ever be the same?

This is a lovely speech. More so than usual, the Coda team seem especially close, so it’s just as warm and heartfelt as you’d expect. There is a parallel universe somewhere where Coda winning best picture is the moment that everyone takes from tonight. It’s probably a better universe than the one we’re currently in.

Lady Gaga and Liza Minelli are here to present Best Picture. Which should probably go to tonight’s Oscar ceremony, in all honesty.

Chastain is now talking about LGBTQ+ persecution, and how everybody is unconditionally loved. And it’s wholly honourable, but in truth it is where nobody’s head is at right now.

This whole second half of the ceremony is like the This Is Fine GIF. But, look, here’s Anthony Hopkins.

And now Amy Schumer is back. “Did I miss anything? There’s like a different vibe in here?” she quips.

Well, I’d planned to go to sleep when the ceremony was done. I’m not sure I can now, though. Anyone want to come and do press-ups with me in a supermarket car park until the adrenaline goes down?

Will Smith ends with: “I hope the Academy invites me back.” Will they? We will be talking about this for a long, long time.

They’re clapping. There’s a standing ovation. Crying, Will Smith calls Richard Williams a “protector of his family”. He’s saying “protect” a lot in a very pointed way. “I’m being called on in my life to love people and to protect people, and to be a river to my people,” he says. “You’ve got to be able to take abuse, you’ve got to smile and pretend like that’s OK.”

He mentions what Denzel Washington said to him after the punch: “At your highest, that’s when the devil comes for you”. He apologises to the Academy, and to his fellow nominees.

It is all over the place. But, as far as television goes, this is absolutely electric. “Love will make you do crazy things,” he says.

He’s rambling but he isn’t being played off. Who would dare?

Will Smith’s nomination clip is being met with cheers from the audience. So that’s interesting./

It’s the anniversary of Pulp Fiction. So Samuel L Jackson, Uma Thurman and John Travolta are dancing around and quoting old lines from the film. Oh god, they’re presenting best actor. Here we go.

A new nugget about what’s going on backstage

Campion is striking a brilliantly deft tone here. She’s happy, but not overcome with emotion. She’s grateful, but not overblown. And, crucially, she isn’t drawing attention to The Nastiness.

Will Smith and Chris Rock – the full story

I’m not sure if this is punch-related, but Now TV’s feed of the Oscars has just gone down for the second time in a few minutes. Luckily it’s back, and it seems like all we missed was a long stretch of a Kevin Costner speech. Phew.

Right. Still five awards to go. Somehow.

According to Vanity Fair:

During the commercial break, reports Rebecca Ford, Denzel Washington pulled Smith over to the side for a conversation, and was kneeling with his arm around Jada Pinkett Smith when the show came back from commercial. Meanwhile in the lobby, people huddled around their phones watching replays of the incident. “I don’t think that’s a joke,” one woman said.

So back to the punch, since that’s the only thing anyone will be caring about from now on.

Jada Pinkett Smith has a shaved head, due to alopecia. During his bit, Chris Rock gestured to her and noted that he was ‘looking forward to GI Jane 2’. And this is what appeared to instigate Smith’s outburst. Here’s a video

The In Memoriam segment now, which this year comes with in-person testimonials from the likes of Bill Murray and a jazzy version of Spirit in the Sky. I don’t know if it would be tasteful to end this bit with “Will Smith’s career”, but it wouldn’t not be fitting.

So what’s going to happen if Will Smith wins in a minute? Is he going to accept the award? Make a speech? Carry on like nothing happened? Did we just watch the end of a career? I’m so confused.

Francis Ford Coppola is making a speech about The Godfather, flanked by De Niro and Pacino standing silently beside him. It’s a beautiful moment: three giants accepting a well-deserved moment in the spotlight in the autumn of their years – but there isn’t a chance that it’s what anyone will be talking about tomorrow.

Also it turns out that the Godfather tribute was introduced by Puff Daddy. And that’s only, like, the 12th weirdest thing that has happened tonight.

When Chris Rock hosted the Oscars previously, he said “Jada Pinkett Smith boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties—I wasn’t invited!”. Could that have been it?

And now things have kicked off. Let’s try and unpack what just happened. Oh my god.

Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall, sensing that the room is quickly filling up with losers, are handing out consolation prizes. A shredded voter form, an FT (fungible token), and a Kim Kardashian quote (“Work harder”) for Dame Judi Dench. People, mark the time. It’s been two hours and 25 minutes into the 2022 Oscars and I laughed out loud for the first time.

And now Billie Eilish is here to sing No Time to Die, a song that, at a conservative guess, she recorded 25 years ago. Since she was singing this in public long before the film was postponed again and again, you could forgive it for being a little boring. But look, nobody has popped up in the middle of it to rap about how much they love the Oscars, so it gets a pass from me.

And from that to this. The beleaguered fan favourite “category”, which includes clips of Zack Snyder films and Johnny Depp films and that godawful Cinderella movie. Soon one of these will actually win a thing, and I can’t help wondering whether the whole fiasco should have been replaced by a message condemning the evils of the internet.

Wanda Sykes is back, dressed as Will Smith in King Richard. Regina Hall is back, dressed as Jessica Chastain in The Eyes of Tammy Faye. Amy Schumer is back, dressed as Spider-Man. Why? Because – and I think I’m getting this right – it’s the 15th anniversary of Juno. What’s going on? Have I banged my head?

OK, this isn’t a faithful performance of the song at all, since most of it seems to be Megan Thee Stallion rapping about how much she likes the Oscars. And one of the choruses has had its lyrics changed to “Celebrate Oscars”. And the best bits of the song were nowhere to be seen.

What a weird ceremony this is. It shifts a load of awards offscreen, then gives all of them to the most commercially successful film nominated, then fills the time saved with dumb clips of The Flash entering The Speed Force. And then – and THEN – it takes the most popular song of the year and renders it unrecognisable through the power of self-congratulation. This is the most public display of self-sabotage I have ever seen.

And now the moment the Oscars thinks you’ve all been waiting for: We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

Riz Ahmed wins for The Long Goodbye – full story

Sean gets it

There is now a moment of reflection for the people of Ukraine. Earlier there had been talk that President Zelenskyy would make an appearance, but instead we just get some text on a screen. Which is probably for the best, since appearing on an industry awards show wouldn’t exactly have been the best use of Zelenskyy’s time right now.

Ariana DeBose wins for West Side Story – full story

And now Reba McEntire is singing Somehow You Do from Four Good Days. This is because it was written by Diane Warren, and it’s now Oscar tradition to nominate Diane Warren for every song she writes, but then never to actually give her anything.

The announcer just said something along the lines of ‘Coming up, a celebration of the 50th anniversary of The Godfather’. Given who they got to commemorate James Bond earlier, I’m genuinely excited about this. Who’s going to introduce it? Vin Diesel? A WWE tag team? A big wet lump of clay? I’m on the edge of my seat here.

So now we have the roles of all the hosts locked in. Amy Schumer: stand-up. Regina Hall: horniness. Wanda Sykes: presenting awkward little promotional clips about a museum that just opened, like the sort of things they show as extras in in-flight entertainment packages.

Oh, Wanda Sykes is here, introducing a jazz band playing Radiohead’s Everything In Its Right Place. Which is weird, given the controversy about lots of things in tonight’s ceremony specifically not being in their right place.

Hans Zimmer is thousands of miles away from the Oscars, and slept through them. Also, he won one.

Natalia gets it

More adverts now. I just got today’s Wordle in three attempts, so tonight hasn’t been entirely wasted.

I took my eye off the ball for a second there, and I can see that Zack Snyder’s Justice League just came top at something, so my guess is that it was voted for by about 50 men on the internet. Also, it was met with absolute deathly silence by the audience.

And now for the category I have decided to call The Mitchells vs the Machines Was Robbed.

It has now been an hour since anyone saw Wanda Sykes.

And now, music. Sebastián Yatra is here to perform Dos Oruguitas, the pretty but comparatively unpopular song from Disney animation Encanto. It’s rather lovely – there are lots of plants and a pair of interpretive dancers – but it’s very much the warm-up to the big We Don’t Talk About Bruno singalong later.

This guy gets it

And how are the Oscars celebrating the anniversary? With a montage, of course! Because that’s what we all want from an awards ceremony that has a habit of leaning towards the bloated, isn’t it? A load of clips from a load of films that everyone has watched several dozen times already. Great job!

Something odd is happening now. It’s the 60th anniversary of the James Bond films so, naturally, the Oscars have brought out a professional surfer, a professional skater and a professional snowboarder to talk about what Bond means to them.

Oh god, this is confusing. They’re slipping in the craft awards all over the place, edited down to scraps and fragments. Either do them properly or don’t do them at all. Perhaps the latter. Maybe just email everyone all the results while they’re asleep.

But hey, great news. It’s the 30th anniversary of White Men Can’t Jump, a film that nobody has thought about even once for the last 26 years. Wesley Snipes, Rosie Perez and Woody Harrelson are on stage to congratulate themselves, and also introduce the best cinematography award.

Oh, interesting. The best sound award, which happened before the ceremony started, is being fed back into the televised ceremony in abbreviated form. So that’s how they’re doing it. I wish I hadn’t told you the results already now.

Regina Hall is back, doing a Covid bit where she invites all the sexy actors like Bradley Cooper and Will Smith up on stage so that she can test them, naked, backstage, with her tongue. And then she gropes Josh Brolin. Again, I cannot for the life of me work out if this is funny or terribly clunky.

We’re already into our first set of adverts. And perhaps it’s a sign of the lack of confidence that the Academy has about retaining an audience this year, but the big hook was that eventually some people were going to sing We Don’t Talk About Bruno. Which isn’t actually nominated for anything. What a strange, jumpy year this is.

Now there’s a second monologue, with just Schumer. With the stage to herself, she unveils herself as a sort of Gervais lite. She hasn’t seen many of the films, she said, and most of them were hard to follow. Don’t Look Up was bad and Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends are too young. Being the Ricardos wasn’t funny. And that’s it. I don’t know how it went down in the room, but there did seem to be a lot of cutaways of Nicole Kidman smiling through the pain.

The announcer has just spent the last three minutes listing everyone who is going to appear tonight in alphabetical order. Don’t get your hopes up for an early night.

Oh, and that’s the monologue over. Snappy! I like this! Dare I kid myself that this thing will actually end on time? I do. Will this come back and bite me on the bum four hours from now? It will.

Monologue time now. There’s a Space Jam joke and a House of Gucci joke, and a joke about how long and boring The Power of the Dog is. Amy Schumer’s role, as far as I can see it, is to be obliviously white while the other two tell all the jokes.

And now Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall are onstage, being introduced by DJ Khaled, who is there to shout a lot and then run away. Good start.

It’s still going, and I don’t fully grasp why the first Oscars ceremony after a global pandemic is starting with a performance that doesn’t actually have an audience. But still, I’m here for it because Twitter is going to greenscreen this performance to high heaven in a matter of seconds.

Wait, except Beyoncé isn’t actually at the Oscars. This is a performance shot at a Compton tennis court. It’s elaborately staged, full of dancers and musicians and some of the most overt Beyoncé-ing we have seen in recent years. It’s so spectacular, in fact, that it almost makes up for the fact that the song isn’t very good.

Pauletta Washington and Denzel Washington, wearing a dress and suit. God, I’m really running out of steam here. Let’s get the ceremony started, shall we?

Here’s Jennifer Garner, who is very happy that you made it to the wedding reception, but also wants to quietly warn you about Jake Gyllenhaal.

Here’s Maya Rudolph, who absolutely should not be operating a gas hob until she gets changed out of that outfit.

Less than ten minutes before the show starts, so let’s try and mop up the rest of these red carpet looks. Here’s disappointed schoolmarm Uma Thurman.

And here’s host Amy Schumer. She is wearing what someone funnier that me has described as a clipart of a bow on her cleavage.

Best actress frontrunner Penelope Cruz is here, wearing a dress that can only be described as ‘a bit piratey’. It’s a clear step away from the night’s abiding fashion trend, which is ‘non-pirate’. I hope that helps.

Showing Timothee Chalamet how it’s done, Jake Gyllenhaal has turned up wearing a shirt. Yes, he’s wearing it in a way that makes him look like the least trustworthy man at a wedding reception. But, hey, a shirt is a shirt.

THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE WINS BEST MAKEUP AND STYLING. I’d imagine that the winners received a big ovation. But, again, we’ll never know.

And here’s Billie Eilish, doing an impression of a woman who has been slowly eaten by a pair of curtains for some time now and is getting quite bored of it now.

Daniel Kaluuya is wearing a hi-vis tuxedo jacket tonight, which is a smart and sensible move.

DUNE ALSO WINS BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN. This is starting to look deliberate now.

Meanwhile, the Jamie Lee Curtis earlycomer plot thickens.

Here is amusing cartoon Frenchman Bill Murray, who may well have travelled to the ceremony on a bicycle.

DUNE WINS BEST EDITING. But if a film wins an Oscar and it isn’t on TV, does it really count? Either way, the Academy’s new policy is clearly starting to look like an anti-Dune vendetta.

Kristen Stewart is wearing shorts, and everyone on E is calling her fabulous for it. But ask yourself this: would they say that if I went to the Oscars in shorts? The answer is yes. Yes they would.

DUNE WINS BEST SCORE. Perhaps the downside of this non-broadcast tactic is that the only film that people actually went to see will win all its awards before anyone tunes in.

If you’re more interested in awards than frocks, here’s our list of winners, updated as the results come in.

Now that it’s evident that the actual award-giving started an hour before the TV broadcast, I feel bad for judging Jamie Lee Curtis and Lily James for showing up early. Instead I shall refocus and judge the latecomers for not caring about shortform documentary-making.

Two more non-broadcast results in:

THE LONG GOODBYE WINS BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT and also THE WINDSHIELD WIPER WINS BEST ANIMATED SHORT.

And here’s Catwoman, furious at photographers.

The Williams sisters are here to support King Richard. They also appear to be having a kind of sibling cleavage-off. Venus first...

And now Serena. It’s a close-run thing, but Venus just about snatches this one.

Also THE QUEEN OF BASKETBALL WINS BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT. Maybe there was a wonderful speech about it. Maybe not. We’ll never know.

OK, that was quick. DUNE WINS BEST SOUND, perhaps because it was simultaneously the loudest and quietest film of the year.

Meanwhile, the very controversial non-broadcast Oscars are currently being handed out. This was a choice made either to shorten the punishing length of the ceremony or give more room for it to be filled with mindless montages. I’ll update as soon as I know who’s won what.

Here we have Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter. He’s wearing sunglasses like a real cool dude.

And here is a photograph of Will Smith and, unless I am very much mistaken, a cabbage.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has come dressed as the letter T. This is for the ceremony’s big finish, when a number of A-listers will gather together on stage to spell out “TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET WEAR A SHIRT NEXT TIME”.

Also on the red carpet are Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker, because Barker is performing tonight and the Kardashians will genetically shrivel up like salted slugs if people aren’t constantly looking at them.

Meanwhile, Andrew Garfield has been escorted from the red carpet due to his berserk insistence on proposing to everyone he sees all the time.

DENCH HAS ARRIVED. Nobody let her near any After Eights, though, for crying out loud.

Emilia Jones from Coda is trying to out-Chalamet Chalamet by having a triangle of bare torso sticking out of her dress. Unfortunately nobody can out-Chalamet Chalamet, so Jones will have to try harder next year.

Olivia Colman looks tremendous tonight. And also shiny. Listen, I can’t stop thinking about Timothée Chalamet. Imagine if he turned up to the Baftas looking like that. He’d have caught hypothermia, the poor lamb. I think I might spend the ceremony knitting him a scarf.

Zendaya also has her midriff out tonight. First Chalamet and now her. Is this a Dune thing? Is Jason Momoa going to come back out in a minute and get his belly out?

Ariana DeBose is also here. The likelihood is that she will win an Oscar tonight, so props to her for wearing such a clear trip hazard.

We also have Aunjanue Ellis. She is wearing a dress. A whole dress. Nothing immediately obvious is missing from her dress. I only pray that Timothée Chalamet is paying attention.

Here’s a better photo. Timothée Chalamet, tonight’s least dressed man.

Did you ever have that anxiety dream as a child where you turned up at school with an important piece of clothing missing? Because Timothée Chalamet seems to have come as that tonight.

I only have half an ear on the E coverage, but I think Nicole Kidman just said that she invented a brand new colour for her dress tonight. I’ll get a picture up as soon as I can but – spoiler alert – that colour appears to be blue.

Here’s where my lack of fashion expertise is going to show. Kirsten Dunst is wearing an amazing... boiler suit? Made of flowers? I don’t know. Very good though. Two thumbs up.

As much as the E red carpet coverage is actively murdering my braincells, I will admit that it’s nice to see so many people gathered together. It’s a big step up from last year’s show, which was basically a sparse collection of C-list vox pops. True, it’s likely that a swathe of Hollywood will be struck down with Covid by tomorrow morning, but it’s a nice sight nonetheless.

They’re coming in thick and fast now. Jane Campion is here, looking very happy and not at all like she blew a sure thing three weeks ago and probably won’t be going home with an award.

Meanwhile, here’s Rosie Perez looking extremely glamorous while Aquaman tries to stomp on her train.

And here’s Ruth E Carter standing in front of a funhouse mirror that makes her reflection look like Wesley Snipes.

It has been brought to my attention that Kodi Smitt-McPhee’s outfit is actually very, very, very light blue. I still maintain that sitting in an after dinner chocolate would ruin his night though.

The cast of Encanto have hit the red carpet, ready to destroy everyone’s attention spans with their mass We Don’t Talk About Bruno singalong later. Lin-Manuel Miranda won’t be at the ceremony tonight, because his wife has Covid. Attending in his place will be this woman’s errant leg.

Lupita Nyong’o has also arrived, wearing perhaps the loveliest collection of tinsel we will see all night. This is either the outfit that will draw the most admiring headlines of the evening, or a devastating fire hazard in the making.

And here’s Alana Haim, in a lovely sort of mermaid thing. I have decided to form a filial bond with Haim tonight, because she looks utterly perplexed by the whole red carpet hoopla, like any normal person would.

Kodi Smit-McPhee is here, in an ensemble so white that it is giving me the jitters. The last time I tried anything even remotely approaching this, I sat on an After Eight chocolate and had to go around reassuring people that I hadn’t lost control of my bowels.

Jude Hill, from Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast ,is just 11 years old, and he can already levitate. We must, as one, fear him.

You’ll be pleased to know that the PriceWaterhouseCoopers accountants have arrived. None of them are wearing particularly daring outfits, but this is for a good reason. If they screw things up, like they did with La La Land the other year, this makes it much easier for them to steal away into the night unseen.

DJ D-Nice has turned up, thank god, and he’s wearing a big hat. Please join me in pitying whoever has to sit behind DJ D-Nice’s big hat tonight.

To try and distract us all from the red carpet inanity, I’m going to point you at some of The Guardian’s fine Oscars coverage. Why not spend this inordinate time before the ceremony by reading:

Peter Bradshaw’s Oscar predictions!

A report from the surprisingly entertaining Governors Awards!

Our annual Oscars hustings!

And, just for the hell of it, how this year’s Razzies went!

The ceremony may not start for another two and a half hours but, judging by the red carpet show (on E if you’re watching in the UK), stars are already flocking to the theatre. Jamie Lee Curtis and Lily James have already shown up, for example, which can only mean one of two things: either they’re the sort of people who like to turn up to house parties while you’re still getting dressed, or they’re pathologically attracted to hanging around in lobbies for punishing lengths of time.

Welcome one and all to The Guardian’s 2022 Oscars liveblog. This is it, the moment that a rapidly diminishing number of you have been waiting for. Last year, in the heat of Covid, the Academy lost its darn mind and did the Oscars by making Glenn Close twerk in a train station. This year, however, cooler heads have prevailed.

The Oscars this year will take place in the Dolby theatre with a sensible number of guests and some actual hosts. Tonight, Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall will become the first hosts the Oscars have had since 2018. It’s an unenviable task: do well and nobody will notice, do badly and you’ll be massacred online. So well done to them for not fleeing for the hills as soon as the offer came in.

Now, the films. Just a few weeks ago it looked as if The Power of the Dog – Jane Campion’s long, sparse, gay cowboy drama – had everything sewn up already. But now the tables are starting to turn. Coda, a tiny deaf drama that ended up on Apple TV+, has started to gain momentum. Troy Kotsur is already all but guaranteed to win best supporting actor tonight, and the film may be rewarded in other categories too. Similarly, Jessica Chastain’s once lock-tight grip on the best actress category, thanks to her prosthetic makeover in The Eyes of Tammy Faye, appears to have loosened, and she has lost ground to Penelope Cruz’s turn in Parallel Mothers.

Have you seen any of these films? Do you care? Either way, I’m going to be here for the next six or seven hours and I could urgently use your company. First, provided I can find my TV remote, I’ll be following all the red carpet action on E! (which, if nothing else, will be a test to see all the different ways I can reheat the phrase “She is wearing a dress”). Then, in a couple of hours, the show itself will begin and I will be there for every brutal beat of it. May god have mercy on our souls.