If there is one thing people in my life know about me, it is that I am a beautiful genius with incredible skin. No wait, not that one. It’s that I am punishingly punctual. I included “punishingly” just in case you thought I was one of those chill, easy breezy on time people. I’m not, I’m stressed.
There is a stereotype that queer people tend to run late and among my circles that is largely true – but I am the exception that proves the rule. And I prove it constantly. I am always the first to arrive. I’m snagging the tables, removing items of clothing to place on seats, frantically texting people asking if they are on their way (they aren’t).
A friend of mine once took a photo of his watch showing that I had arrived one minute after him (I’d been browsing in a nearby shop because I arrived too early). If more than four people arrive at an arranged time before me, they begin to wonder if I’ve died in my rush to get there. This is all just to make sure you understand the full context and know how serious I am when I state: I hate movie trailers so much now that to avoid them, I have deliberately been arriving late to the cinema.
Quickly, someone call Ripley’s Believe It or Not! (which still exists on the Gold Coast so this joke is relevant). Unfortunately there is no way to talk about this without sounding like the “old man yells at cloud” meme from The Simpsons. But here I go.
Movie trailers are too long. Movie trailers show too much. Movie trailers are ruining my life. OK that last one is a bit dramatic. I used to love trailers, but I can’t remember when I last watched one right to the end. I used to get excited at the cinema when a trailer for a movie I was keen for played, but at some point in the last decade I started blocking my ears and humming once I’ve decided I’m in, because inevitably the trailer will then continue for another several years.
It must seem like I am having some sort of medical episode, but it’s just that I don’t want to see every major plot point, twist and joke in a movie. When I watch trailers online, I have to switch them off as soon as I get the point, because I personally don’t need to see the entire movie to decide if I want to see the movie. I want the gist. The word “gist” was created for this! Show me what it looks like, who’s in it, the concept, a little snippet.
Give me the gist and I’ll decide if I want to see it.
This is why I generally prefer teaser trailers, which are more ephemeral and just give you the overall tone. All I needed to see to get excited for Barbie was the first seven seconds of the trailer, where her shoe comes off, only for her foot to stay in the heel shape. I was in, I got it, and watching further trailers and seeing all the best jokes made me enjoy the movie less.
With a teaser trailer you pick up the vibes, without being stepped through it like a stupid baby. That’s what we need. Just vibes! My initial demand was that long movie trailers should be banned, but it’s not actually about length. It’s about the artistry that is missing from them. By the way, I’m wearing a black turtleneck and a monocle while I type this.
Look at something like this classic trailer for The Birds, with a Hitchcock introduction. It is over five minutes long, but it is an extension of the movie – it’s part of the experience. It is doing something different, it is unusual, it’s nice.
Many modern trailers are long and say nothing interesting, which would almost be impressive if it weren’t so infuriating. They just literally show what happens in the movie and chuck in a few jump cuts and song switches.
I am sure that trailers have gone in this direction due to some sort of audience research that proves it works to get people to the cinema. I’m sure that laying out the entire plot and showing every single half-decent joke or explosion has somehow been proven by the worst marketing people on earth to get bums on seats – or at least maybe Marvel fans’ bums on seats. I’m sure it can be argued that trailers have evolved to this out of necessity in the fight against streamers, but I just don’t care. Or more so, I just can’t believe this is the solution and where we have to stay. Whatever happened to some intrigue, some mystery?
If I just want to know what happens in the movie, I will read the Wikipedia page. If I have do that, I may as well be reading a book. Is that what you want, moviemakers? Do you want me to read a book instead? I’ll do it! I am just here to implore moviemakers to make some small changes, for the betterment of art and our lives. I simply want to click on a trailer for a movie, have a great and intriguing time where I find out enough that it makes me excited to see it, but not so much that I may as well not bother to go.
I just don’t want to know everything against my will. Most of all, I really, really, really want to be able to start arriving at the cinema on time again.
• Rebecca Shaw is a writer based in Sydney
